Single man looking for woman who enjoys long video calls, sexting, and moving in together after a fortnight

A SINGLE man is looking for a partner who is open to an initially non-physical relationship, escalating dependency and living together within two weeks. 

Nathan Muir of Stevenage has told women on Tinder that he is initially up for getting to know them by text, then very quickly stepping up to phone calls, FaceTime, sharing hopes and dreams, sending nudes, meeting her parents on Zoom and full cohabitation.

He said: “There’s a time and place for messing about with romance, and it’s not here and it’s not now.

“The only reason I’m insisting on 14 days to let the relationship develop is to make sure she’s coronavirus-free. I guess we can get to know each other while we’re waiting.

“But I’m living alone, it’s extremely frightening, I’m desperate for human company and I’m guessing there are a lot of woman out there feeling the same way.

“Hit me up. I’ve got an income, I wash regularly, I’ll do the supermarket trips. I’m not looking for forever. Just until the end of lockdown.”

Single woman Ellie Shaw said: “Yeah. He’ll do.”

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Six things to do with your hands now you can't touch your face

SINCE coronavirus has put an end to the joy of touching your face 23 times an hour, here are six other things to do with your hands:

Craft projects

A great way to occupy your twitchy fingers and to keep friends away in case you make them something. By the end of lockdown every piece of furniture you own could be mosaicked, and your floors could be a sea of embroidered patchwork cushions.

Learn an instrument

Putting pressure on yourself to fulfil unrealistic ambitions is an excellent way to make self-isolation even more stressful. So pick up a second-hand instrument from eBay, because you won’t be able to touch your face while treating your neighbours to a heartfelt rendition of the sax break from Private Dancer.

Write a novel

The only reason you’ve never written a novel previously was because you never had time, and because you’d not really plotted past the first chapter, and because you haven’t written anything longer than a tweet since 2009. So get cracking! Warning: punching yourself in the face counts as touching your face.

Count your pasta

Carefully count out each piece of pasta you’ve managed to hoard and then scoop it all up into your arms and declare yourself king of the world. Maybe put a pan of water on beforehand because this will make you ravenous.

Touch other people’s faces

No specific World Health Organisation guidelines on this one. Gotcha, Tedros! The man needs to be more specific.

Wank like crazy

Nobody touches their face when their hands have been all over their genitalia within the last hour. So do that 23 times a day and repel yourself from touching your face the all-natural way.