EVERY woman is watching for the classic red flags: controlling, rude to waiters, below 5ft 9ins. But if he owns vinyl of any of these, drop him immediately:
Iron Maiden
Immaturity doesn’t always mean a motorbike or still clubbing aged 40. Long hair and an skeletal figure called Eddie on his mousemat also mean he’s a boy who’s never grown up, into 13-minute songs about ancient mariners, monsters and marauding Indian tribes he genuinely feels impart useful historical lessons.
Scissor Sisters
Hugely attractive that such a macho guy is no homophobe, embracing his sensitive side, crazy about a group of gays led by a muscled dancing queen. Thrilling he’s open to playing with gender by borrowing your clothes. Cool he likes to go to gay clubs. Everyone seems to know him in the gay clubs. You’re a woman dating a gay man. What the f**k?
The Smiths
In the 80s, yes, but still? Being tied to a man who is not only miserable as f**k but inherently boring as arseholes isn’t great, but open worship of Morrissey at this point is akin to announcing that, come the local elections, he will be running as a Reform councillor. And when he is too mental even for them, a Restore councillor.
The Prodigy
The alarm bells are louder than Music For The Jilted Generation in the back seat of a pimped-out Ford Cosworth. He should be over shouty bangers by this age, but he isn’t. He’s still angry and he wears shorts well into November. And if Firestarter comes on down the pub, his involuntary reactions will convince your mates he has St Vitus’s Dance.
Coldplay
It isn’t all yellow for this guy. It’s all beige; his conversation, his interests, his family, his life. Nothing rises above the level of bland. Your parents will adore him and his sensible views on saving, kitchens and going to concerts where they give you a light-up bracelet so you feel like you’re part of the show. Dump him. Unless you’re 35 and need babies.
Radiohead
There isn’t any Radiohead, not any more. Oh, they’re doing some shows, but their last album was ten years ago and their last good album almost 20. He’ll spend the rest of his life dedicated to their lost cause, convincing himself solo albums are genius, unloading trivia on Reddit threads. You’ll always be a distant second to Kid A.
