Six sex lessons that can only be taught by jaded dads

PARENTS dread talking to their kids about sex, but world-weary fathers have pearls of wisdom to share. Father-of-three Steve Malley explains: 

The importance of rubbering up

Rolling on a Johnny might interrupt the heat of the moment and render the whole experience sensationless, but it f**king works. You don’t want to take risks in that area. I used to have the motorbike from Top Gun but I sold it to get built-in wardrobes for you lot.

How to go the distance

Sex is a good time, that’s why me and your mum used to do it. And there were only four channels. But you don’t want it to finish before it’s even begun. Draw it out to 15 minutes by focusing on dull stuff like Newsnight and watching a school play. Not the one you were in, your sister’s.

Don’t start talking about it

All these sex columnists are all ‘talk it through, open up, share your fantasies’. They’ve never confessed an interest in a perfectly ordinary sex act and got dumped by text 22 minutes later. Keep it to yourself is my advice. You’re getting a shag so why make waves?

Never suggest a threesome

Seriously, trust me on this. Even if, say, you’re on holiday with your girlfriend and her mate, all on the Sauvignon Blanc and flirting. It doesn’t matter how playfully you suggest a ménage à trois, you’ll still make your mum feel like she isn’t enough. Did I say mum? I meant hypothetical significant other.

Which positions are easiest on the knees

In your twenties you’ll be crazy for new positions, trying them all with gung-ho enthusiasm, but you only have to put your back out once and it’s gone for life. Too many shags on the floor and by your thirties you’ll have the knees of an arthritic septuagenarian. Go easy on yourself and let her hop on top for a bit, or better yet, pop it in while spooning.

Anal’s not all that

It’s all pub bravado, really. Half those lads bragging about it won’t ever have tried it. In reality it’s a few uncomfortable minutes awkwardly rutting in mild discomfort and you never try it again. Not that I’m yucking anyone’s yum though, the gay lads love it and more power to them.

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Steam locomotives leaving chemtrails, claims Victorian conspiracy theorist

A CONSPIRACY theorist of 1847 believes new-fangled steam locomotives are spreading trails of gaseous compounds to subdue the brain. 

Silas Finch Hatton, a scrivener from London, has hand-printed bills warning of the network of mind-controlling railway tracks spreading to every corner of Britain.

He said: “Take the words George Stephenson and Rocket Locomotive and add the numerical values of the letters. The total? 835. The fifth line of the 83rd Psalm reads ‘With one mind they plot together’. It could not be more clear.

“Within eight months of the first locomotive arriving in London there was a cholera outbreak in Whitechapel, a dog in Southwark came down with distemper and three chimney sweeps died of malnutrition. Coincidence?

“The menfolk who gather at the stations taking numbers? Clockwork automatons, monitoring the miasma loaded on board at the behest of their overlords Victoria and the Viscount Melbourne.

“You can see the chemtrails puffing out, men more akin to sheep of the field, and yet you gather and bleat! I should not ride a horseless carriage for all the cabbages in Gloucestershire.

“And do not get me started on the smallpox vaccine. It is just the Whig government’s way of subjugating the peasantry.”