Six sexual positions for when it's f**king boiling

HORNY but unable to bear the red-hot sticky clutches of your partner? Try these low-contact sexual positions:

Hole in the sheet

That sheet you’ve been sleeping under since this relentless assault by the sun began? Cut a little hole, being careful not to take the gentleman’s word for it on girth, and use it to stop flesh touching overheated, clammy flesh as you go at it. Has the added bonus of making sex as detached and anonymous as if you’d met on Tinder.

Straddling a fan

Invite the third party who’s already been standing sentinel in your bedroom into your actual lovemaking. Lie the fan down, keeping it on rotate like a naughty little bitch so it thrashes and moans, and f**k bent over it with constant cool airflow on your thrusting. Do not let balls hit the fan to avoid giving rise to the expression ‘when the balls hit the fan’.

Ice-cube blowjob

A cliche of sexual adventurism given new life in this bloody heat. Keep a glass of ice-cubes next to you and combine the twin pleasures of cool ice tantalising your tongue and a big hot red cock. Judicious application of the former to the latter could even curtail the whole thing, but probably not because men can f**k through anything.

The high-kick

You’ve seen the positions in porn, where the lady holds her leg up and out of the way, coincidentally giving the camera an unobstructed view? Where the only point of contact between the two actors is genital? Try that, but replace the jaded cameraman with an open window and a lovely stiff breeze.

Islands in the stream

Climb into the bath, turn the shower on cold, and make love like you’ve spontaneously decided to do so in a mountain stream during a rainstorm. Relish every cold drop on your skin. Let it trickle down between you, reducing your core temperature, keeping everything fresh. Fantasise that you’re both salmon and after this will die happy and fulfilled.

Having a massive knob

If your cock was big enough, you hypothesise, it could get in the lady – the very act of which naturally provides you both with all the sexual satisfaction you could ever need – while you were still six inches to a foot away from her. And you’re always getting emails offering to enlarge your penis. Worth looking into while she gets herself off upstairs.

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'Wanking's a great healer': Actually useful post-break-up advice

MOST break-up advice is meaningless waffle. This is the self-love guidance you should be listening to if you want to fix your broken heart.

‘Wanking’s a great healer’

Time heals all wounds, but it takes ages. Wanking on the other hand can be over and done with in ten minutes and leaves you feeling amazing. And if you’re feeling particularly sad, you can sort yourself out multiple times in one day. Just make sure you stock up on toilet paper or vibrator batteries first.

‘Spend time doing what you love, like wanking’

The key to getting through any break-up is to dedicate your time to doing what you love, and you love nothing more than bringing yourself to climax. Dedicate whole days to being slumped on your sofa, watching porn on your phone with your hands down your pants furiously shuffling away. You deserve it.

‘Remember there’s plenty more wanks in the sea’

In the immediate aftermath of a break-up, you’ll probably feel like you’ll never wank again. Cheer yourself up by remembering that there are plenty more wanks in the sea, all you’ve got to do is get out there, unzip your jeans, and start fiddling around. Your ex is undoubtedly doing the same, so don’t feel guilty about it.

‘Give yourself some wanking space’

Throwing yourself straight back into the dating scene is a bad idea. You need time to reflect, process your feelings, and use this space to wank yourself silly. If you get with someone else you won’t be free to tug yourself off whenever you feel like it, so savour this period while you can. Your friends in relationships wish they could go back to your carefree lifestyle of freewheeling masturbation.

‘Keep yourself busy by wanking’

If you’re not busy then you’ll start to dwell on your ex and all the many, many f**k ups that led to you getting chucked. You don’t want that. Instead, keep your mind and hands occupied by frantically wanking away at all times. Your pain and self-loathing will quickly disappear into life’s rear-view mirror as you go back for round 46.