YOU believe the relationship ended with dignity and mutual respect. What she’s telling her new partner is a great deal funnier than that. Here’s what they’re laughing about:
Every monumentally stupid thing you ever said
It’s easy to repeat bollocks you’ve not thought through. Your guard was down. You didn’t really believe there was a hook-handed killer hiding in the back of your car, though she’s recounting it as you very much did and crapped yourself. Everyone’s gullible occasionally. It’s not fair you look an idiot and he gets sex.
Every bad gift you ever gave
Poor planning, lack of funds, an attempt at humorous irony or just misplaced spontaneity means yeah, you gave your share of shit presents. That doesn’t mean she has to take him on a little tour of them while ignoring all the good, thoughtful gifts. While if he gets her a naked woman apron and sex dice it’ll be adorable because he’s new.
Each one of your sexual failings
Obviously you’ll be unflatteringly compared to him. But while at the time she claimed she didn’t mind that sex didn’t drag on, it wasn’t as brief as she’s making out. That bastard she’s with now is going to turn it into a recurring joke, calling you ‘hair-trigger Tommy’ and ‘Johnny come-early’ which isn’t accurate because it was actually very fulfilling.
All the times you got too pissed
You were having fun! Vomiting over yourself after getting thrown out of an Uber, deep-frying a frozen pizza, those widely separated urination incidents; each was a good night. He doesn’t need to look saddened you’d put her through such horrors then begin giggling ‘What a pathetic twat, though’. Bet she’s not mentioned when she fell asleep on the toilet.
Every ex you ever had, as evidence
How did such a wonderful woman end up with such a prick as yourself? Well, she memorised your exes and is listing them in order of comedy value to emphasise that she was the exception. Don’t imagine there’s any solidarity between women: anyone you shagged who was fat, thick, ‘common’ or mental is up there.
He’s just realised he knows you
You live in the same city, you’re similar in age, and the new boyfriend has just realised, uproariously, that he’s actually met you. And you were, he is happy to confirm, one of the most pitiful pricks he’s every had the misfortune to encounter. ‘That’s so funny!’ your ex says, while frantically worrying about all the stories you could tell about her.
