Six unconvincing excuses for getting in touch with someone you're trying to shag

‘HEY! Had a good Coronation?’ You don’t care. You just want to know if they’re still with that knobhead. These are the weak excuses you’ll use for contact out of the blue: 

Major international disaster

Whether terrorism, volcano or the outbreak of war, you’ll text the girl you fancy in Slough to see how she’s coping after that tsunami in Chile. ‘Really shaken,’ you’ll say, underlining how compassionate you are, ‘just wanted 2 know yr okay?’ After no reply: ‘Maybe meet at Nando’s to discuss?’


What kind of a woman would you be if you ignored your ex-boyfriend’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s mate’s birthday? You’re socially obligated to send him a quick text, and when he replies ‘Who this?’ launch into a full explanation of who you are and why you’re sexually available. It’s the present he didn’t know he wanted.

Work event

Promoted? Had a book published? Hours cut after receiving a verbal warning? You should definitely let her know. She’s bound to be interested now you’re the regional sales manager for the Herts and East England division. Power’s an aphrodisiac and the one time you met her she talked about work, so it’s clearly the way to her heart.

‘I saw this and thought of you’

“Remember that film we saw nine years ago, when you gave me a handjob in the Odeon toilets? Well, after spending all night online as usual, I’ve come across this meme about it. Not being weird or anything, just thought you’d really like this meme. Anyway, how are things with you?”


High expectations, twinkly lights, daytime drunkenness and there not actually being much to do contrive to make even the most unexpected contact from a girl met once in 2016 feel welcome. Plausibly claim it’s a round robin about how well you’ve been doing, where you’ve been on holiday, and how hot you are, with bikini photos.

‘You just happened to pop into my head’

Yeah, mid-wank. When he started to wonder what you and your great arse are up to these days. This approach requires the least effort, but is the hardest to pull off. You can go in hard with ‘I dreamt about you last night’ or ‘Remember when I spanked you?’ but if they don’t bite you’ll be reduced to chit-chat about their latest LinkedIn updates.

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Couple fundamentally too lazy to cheat on each other

A COUPLE know that they will always be faithful to one another because neither can be arsed having an affair. 

Nathan and Joanna Muir enjoy an enviably strong relationship, safe in the knowledge that cheating is too much like hard work for both of them.

Nathan said: “If Selena Gomez strutted in here nude to seduce me? Then my fidelity to Joanna would be dust. If Selena expected a meal out first? Nah.

“The predominant factor that keeps long-term couples in secure monogamous relationships is laziness. Like they say, why go out for hamburger when you’ve got Deliveroo at home?

“Sure, I’ve looked at other women sometimes. Who doesn’t? But I’d never cheat on Joanna, because it would take too much time and effort.”

Joanna agreed: “Carly at work was cheating on her boyfriend. Two phones, constant excuses, running around having secret rendezvous, I mean who’s got the time, all for a few shags?

“Nathan’ll do. And I know that he feels just the same about me.”