The Conservative guide to socially-distanced sex

HAVING sex is largely irrelevant to the economy, so the government can impose restrictions without consequence. So we will. Here’s how to do it: 


It’s no secret that there are few areas more erogenous than the elbow. Gently massage your partner’s arm-joint with a disinfecting lubricant until orgasm is achieved. Wear rubber gloves and be outdoors if possible.

Involve the Telegraph crossword

Cryptic crosswords are an incredibly arousing challenge which couples can enjoy together. Just last week, four across was ‘Keeping supply of hosiery’ and the answer was ‘stocking’. Bet that double meaning had you wetter than Wales in October. Sometimes an intellectual buzz can be more satisfying than actual climax.

Don’t eat out to help out

While you should of course use Rishi Sunak’s scheme from Monday to Wednesday each week, cunnilingus should stay off the menu. Some men don’t like it so all women shouldn’t. It’s that simple.

Impregnate and leave

Lean as far back as possible, penetrate, and make your exit before you catch anything, ensuring to wash your hands of the responsibilities of fatherhood. Each child you produce is a future economic unit. All other sex wastes money and time.

Stop having sex

If you are still struggling to follow the guidelines, we suggest a period of total abstinence. There are very successful Conservative peers who haven’t resorted to any sexual activity since once accidentally at boarding school in 1981.

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You don't have to resign for being shit anymore, man tells boss

A MAN has explained to his boss that just because he totally bollocksed up his job does not mean he has to resign. 

Accountant Nathan Muir advised his superior that while that was the way it used to be, in the modern era you can do as badly as you want and still just keep your job.

He continued: “Like what I did, when I said I’d done the accounts and hadn’t, that’s nothing. Even if I’d done them all wrong and guaranteed I hadn’t there wouldn’t be grounds.

“Or if I’d bullied people, or if I’d taken bribes, or if I’d set strict rules for using the car park which I kept repeating everyone had to follow to the letter then completely ignored them myself.

“Literally I could embezzle like, thousands from company accounts, look you in the eye and swear blind I hadn’t, then admit it the next day, and not a resignation matter. When you asked I’d just say ‘that’s a dead issue’.

“So this minor thing about me not doing any work for six weeks when I knew there was a deadline coming, that’s nothing. It’d be nothing if it was five months.”

Muir added: “I’m remaining in post over the coming year, mate. That’s how it works now.”