Thursday, 29th October 2020

The Conservative guide to socially-distanced sex

HAVING sex is largely irrelevant to the economy, so the government can impose restrictions without consequence. So we will. Here’s how to do it: 


It’s no secret that there are few areas more erogenous than the elbow. Gently massage your partner’s arm-joint with a disinfecting lubricant until orgasm is achieved. Wear rubber gloves and be outdoors if possible.

Involve the Telegraph crossword

Cryptic crosswords are an incredibly arousing challenge which couples can enjoy together. Just last week, four across was ‘Keeping supply of hosiery’ and the answer was ‘stocking’. Bet that double meaning had you wetter than Wales in October. Sometimes an intellectual buzz can be more satisfying than actual climax.

Don’t eat out to help out

While you should of course use Rishi Sunak’s scheme from Monday to Wednesday each week, cunnilingus should stay off the menu. Some men don’t like it so all women shouldn’t. It’s that simple.

Impregnate and leave

Lean as far back as possible, penetrate, and make your exit before you catch anything, ensuring to wash your hands of the responsibilities of fatherhood. Each child you produce is a future economic unit. All other sex wastes money and time.

Stop having sex

If you are still struggling to follow the guidelines, we suggest a period of total abstinence. There are very successful Conservative peers who haven’t resorted to any sexual activity since once accidentally at boarding school in 1981.