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The new girlfriend's guide to which friends you're not allowed to keep

FOUND a lovely new partner? Great, but be aware she’s probably already drawing up a list of which of your friends you won’t be seeing again.

Your ex

She’s convinced you’re still carrying a torch for her, and must therefore never be in contact. Insisting the split was amicable and you’re merely friends now is just conclusive proof you’re desperate to rekindle your lost passion. Your new girlfriend is just being paranoid, apart from those 2am drunk-dialling calls begging your ex to have you back.

The womaniser

You shouldn’t be hanging around with good-looking gigolos now you’re with her, and any womanisers must be replaced with good, clean, homely lads. She’ll tell you it’s because he’s a sexist pig who treats women like objects. But won’t mention she shagged him on a filthy one-night stand just after you met, and would prefer you didn’t find out. To be honest, you’d prefer to overlook his undoubtedly better sex skills too.

The pisshead

Why would you want to go on all-day benders with Tom now you’re with her and could be spending your Saturdays shopping for clothes or going on country walks? If you want to keep having sex, drop him like hot bricks. All your mates will laugh and call you under the thumb, which you will vehemently deny. It’s more like being tagged with strict bail conditions.

The ugly one

There’s no point in you having pig-ugly friends she can’t matchmake her single pals with, so goodbye Carl. You may have been best friends since primary school but a geek with massive ears and ginger hair is now obsolete. The fact that none of her friends are in danger of landing modelling contracts and could do with a few Carls as back-ups will go completely over her head.

The Friday night football crew

Friday evenings are for taking her to expensive restaurants now, not playing five-a-side with your mates before a few beers. Take it on the chin and accept that’s the price of an occasional blowjob these days. In fairness, you were shit at it anyway, and the others only let you join in because you booked the sports hall every week.

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Only play in your own tournaments: Donald Trump's tips for better golf

MANY people find it hard to master golf, unlike Tiger Woods and me. But follow these tips and you’ll be winning tournaments with surprising frequency.

Pick up the ball 

This involves bending down and tossing your ball out of the rough and onto the fairway. Is it in fact the oldest trick in the book and just blatant cheating? No. It requires great golfing skill when you’re grossly overweight and one wrong sudden move could result in a horrific nappy incident.

Only play in your own tournaments

Not everyone owns their own golf course, but who cares about other people? Tell your golf club staff they’ll all be fired if you lose and inform other players they’ll be barred from future events if they beat you. Does this count as ‘winning’ in any meaningful sense? It does if you think you won a Nobel Peace Prize by bullying a woman into giving you hers.

Own the fastest golf cart 

It’s been widely reported that I own an unusually fast golf cart that allows me to arrive at the balls long before other players. Is this related to my known habit of hurling their balls into lakes and the rough? No, I just like to keep up the pace so I can get back to important presidential tasks like completely defeating Iran, again.

Threaten legal action 

If you’re losing, angrily tell your opponent you’ve seen him cheating and you’ll be suing him for $10 billion. When he denies it and says no one has ever done that over a game of amateur golf, point out the stress and cost of hiring a lawyer will ruin his life anyway. He’ll quickly realise you are the superior golfer. 

Play by yourself

On a new course I always play the very first round alone and immediately put my name at the top of the winners’ board. Is this a completely hollow achievement, like saying you’re successful with women because you keep groping them and using the services of a sex trafficker? I don’t think so, and I have no idea why I thought of those examples. 

Take over your opponent’s ball 

Not many people realise you can start using your opponent’s ball if it’s closer to the hole than yours. Whenever I’ve been seen doing this people have complained that you can’t do that in golf, but only the top players know this elite rule. I’m ranked number one in the world, by the way. I have been since 1980.

Open your nappy 

Make your opponent fluff crucial shots by standing close to him and stretching wide the elasticated waistband of your adult nappy, the liquid and solid contents of which have been sweatily brewing since breakfast. There is nothing in PGA rules that says you can’t do this.

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