The new supermarket layout, and other things that ruin your ageing parents' lives

IT’S not easy being old and no longer having work as your main source of annoyance. Here are six mundane occurrences that your parents have decided to get pissed off about instead.

Changing bin collections

They’ve had a letter from the council and they’re bloody fuming. Whether this rude missive demands different boxes or different days, it’s a catastrophic announcement that thrusts them into a chaotic world of panic and disorder. So you have to come over at 6am next Thursday morning to ask the bin men what the flipping heck they think they’re playing at.

The new supermarket layout

They have moved the Weetabix and replaced it it dog food. What if dad gets confused and ends up eating Winalot for breakfast? His eyesight isn’t what it used to be, you know. Outrageous behaviour. You need to email John James Sainsbury about it immediately. Of course he’s not dead.

Construction works

Despite your Dad’s alleged eye problems, he can spy heras fencing being erected from half a mile away. Whether it’s for road works, fibre installation or – heaven forbid – new houses, the potential of change in their area strikes fear into their ageing hearts. Your mum threatens to chain herself to a digger, before deciding that it’s a bit nippy, actually.

Whats-his-face off the telly

They don’t have to watch the show he is in, but they still do, just so they can endlessly bang on about how much they loathe him. They also detest that woman who does the news on ITV, that bloke who wears loud ties on that gameshow, and the annoying child who’s in that advert that’s always bloody on. Sometimes they Facetime while watching to tell you.

Being forced to pay by card

According to them, nothing beats counting out filthy bits of paper and metal and thrusting them ungraciously into other people’s hands. Why use a simpler and more convenient method? Well, it turns out your Dad has spent too much time watching GB News and developed some very strong opinions about the WEF stealing his bank account. So can you pop to the bank and withdraw £7000 in cash that he will keep in the biscuit tin, as it’s much safer? Good lad.

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How to cope when you've been dumped for someone objectively better

HAPPENS to us all. It’s not you, it’s them, or rather, it’s someone else. A little social media stalking reveals the new lover is much more attractive than you. So what do you do?

Be grateful you weren’t dumped for someone worse

Face it, it’s what any sane individual would have done in that situation. The man was simply overawed by tits. None of your friends and family think he made a mistake and openly say they would’ve done the same thing. At least it’s better than being dumped for a criminal, estate agent, drug addict or Nigel Farage.

Try not to feel bad about yourself

You too could be a stockbroker on a six figure salary if only you’d worked a bit harder at school. And her boobs look fake anyway. Same for the sultry lips, fluttering eyelashes and glowing skin of a 24-year-old. Undoubtedly all fake, anyone could look like that with enough plastic surgery. You could have all of those if only you weren’t totally broke. And, if it’s not surgery, then it’s definitely all just filters and good camera angles.

Look elsewhere

There’s plenty more fish in the sea, you just need a girl who appreciates you for the unique qualities which make you such a special individual. You have some basic French from school, your ex once said you ‘tried hard’ at sex and you can remember all the footballers from the England ’96 squad. Someone’s bound to snap that up.

Pick tiny holes

She may have a big house, long legs, film star good looks and – most importantly – your man, but she does have quite a big nose, doesn’t she? You have a lovely nose. I bet he prefers your nose. He probably misses it. And you’ve just been promoted to Regional Sales Manager. He must be lying awake next to Big Ol’ Conk Face thinking about missing out on that.

Make up wild accusations

While he may be a doctor who opened a children’s hospital, there’s a photo of him sipping champagne in a private box watching his racehorse win at the Grand National. Probably an alcoholic. Or cruel to animals. Wouldn’t hurt for you to mention that to a few people, make sure they know what he’s really like. You’re still winning.

Be happy for them

Don’t be silly, you’re not going to do that.