subscribe
/ Sign Out

Women add penalties to long list of things they’re better at than men

WOMEN have added scoring penalties to the long, long list of things they are better at than men, it has emerged.

Hoofing footballs into a goal from the 12-yard spot has been written at the bottom of the dictionary-length list that also contains multi-tasking, remembering birthdays, and finding items that are right there in front of you if only you looked properly.

Woman Lauren Hewitt said: “If men had been playing yesterday then England would have crashed out. Meanwhile the Lionesses barely scraped through because women are inherently superior.

“That means the sisterhood can now add ‘winning penalties’ in gel pen bubble writing to our extensive compendium of male-beating qualities. Admittedly it would be much faster to itemise the handful of things we’re worse at than men, but where’s the smug sense of self satisfaction in that?

“Given the fuss the blokes made about them, we assumed scoring penalties was really difficult. Turns out they’re a piece of piss and Georgia Stanway probably only missed to lull Nigeria into a false sense of security.

“I wonder what we’ll be better than men at next? Parallel parking, not asking for directions, or maybe being selfish in bed? Only time will tell.”

Man Wayne Hayes said: “Fair play, we’ll give you penalties. Male footballers are still way better at having unprofessional meltdowns than Lauren James though.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

How to still be a prick to strangers when your SUV is in the garage

IT’S a major inconvenience when your enormous unnecessary vehicle is off the road. However, don’t let that stop you from irritating others.

Harass the mechanic

Despite the fact that it’s a horribly tacky monster of a car, you think your Range Rover Evoque is the most special vehicle in the world, and therefore deserves priority treatment. Piss off the mechanic by phoning several times a day for an ‘update’, as if your car is a beloved relative in the ICU, rather than an ugly lump of metal that you dumbly paid £40k for.

Document your tribulations on social media

Not content with moaning to your nearest and dearest about how bereft you are without your massive car, involve online acquaintances in your self-involved bullshit by posting about it on social media. Most people will think you’re a sad dickhead, but there will be a small contingent of equally pathetic SUV enthusiasts to commiserate with you.

Hog the pavement

If you can’t hog the road in your ridiculous vehicle, hog the pavement as a pedestrian instead. Refuse to move aside for wheelchair users and people with buggies, and barrel right into small children before barking at them that they should be looking where they’re going. But remember, you can’t lock the doors and speed away when you’re walking, so think twice before calling someone a wanker when they accidentally step in front of you coming out of Tesco.

Drive the courtesy car like a prick

You’re appalled that the garage has not recognised your obvious superiority as a person because you drive a Toyota RAV4, and has given you a Honda Jazz to use in the meantime like all the other plebs. Drive like more of a bellend than usual, just to take the edge off the terrible rage that this unimaginable insult causes.

Tell strangers your penis size

Ultimately, having a huge, shiny car that is capable of driving across the Sahara but you only use to drive the kids to school is all about showing off. You may as well wear a sign that says ‘Look at me! I am incredibly insecure and need to prove my worth with an obvious status symbol’. If you’re feeling anxious without your Hyundai Tucson-shaped comfort blanket, use other methods of self-soothing until you can get it back, such as mentioning your penis size to total strangers. They will think you’re an utter twat, and they’ll be right.

Next story ›