THE new barmaid has been ignoring you so far but she’s just playing hard to get. Here’s how to use your charms to win her round:
Pay a physical compliment
Don’t make it too subtle, like saying she has nice hands or some nonsense like that. She might think you’re a homosexual. Just wait until she turns her back to put a glass in the washer and loudly shout ‘Nice arse, love!’ Job done, and she’ll be utterly flattered.
Talk to her about the telly
I don’t mean thoughtful dramas or the latest foreign Netflix sensation with subtitles. I’m talking about stuff that everyone is interested in, like football. Start banging on about the Arsenal game last night and get so angry about the f**king referee that you end up spitting half-chewed pork scratchings all over the bar. She’ll love your passion.
Tell her to smile
Take it from me, when a bird’s looking down in the dumps nothing cheers them up more than being told to look happy. It lifts their spirits immediately, especially if you leer and add something like ‘you look well fit when you smile, sweetheart’. Those gritted teeth are definitely a grin of pure delight.
Ask her about her life
Unlike you, she’s got a life outside of the pub, so ask her some questions about it. Then, as soon as she starts talking, interrupt her with an incredibly tedious anecdote of your own. She’ll be so overwhelmed with fascination and desire that she’ll have to go and clean the toilets to stop herself from snogging you there and then.
Use the old ‘while you’re down there’ line
You’re at a table with the lads, she comes over to collect some glasses, drops a crisp packet on the floor and bends down to pick it up. That’s when you deliver the time-honoured line, which she’ll think is hilarious. If she doesn’t, she’s probably one of those feminists who doesn’t like blokes anyway. And if she calls you a wanker and has you barred for life, just try your luck at another pub.