The wanker's guide to chatting up the new barmaid

THE new barmaid has been ignoring you so far but she’s just playing hard to get. Here’s how to use your charms to win her round:

Pay a physical compliment

Don’t make it too subtle, like saying she has nice hands or some nonsense like that. She might think you’re a homosexual. Just wait until she turns her back to put a glass in the washer and loudly shout ‘Nice arse, love!’ Job done, and she’ll be utterly flattered.

Talk to her about the telly

I don’t mean thoughtful dramas or the latest foreign Netflix sensation with subtitles. I’m talking about stuff that everyone is interested in, like football. Start banging on about the Arsenal game last night and get so angry about the f**king referee that you end up spitting half-chewed pork scratchings all over the bar. She’ll love your passion.

Tell her to smile

Take it from me, when a bird’s looking down in the dumps nothing cheers them up more than being told to look happy. It lifts their spirits immediately, especially if you leer and add something like ‘you look well fit when you smile, sweetheart’. Those gritted teeth are definitely a grin of pure delight.

Ask her about her life

Unlike you, she’s got a life outside of the pub, so ask her some questions about it. Then, as soon as she starts talking, interrupt her with an incredibly tedious anecdote of your own. She’ll be so overwhelmed with fascination and desire that she’ll have to go and clean the toilets to stop herself from snogging you there and then.

Use the old ‘while you’re down there’ line

You’re at a table with the lads, she comes over to collect some glasses, drops a crisp packet on the floor and bends down to pick it up. That’s when you deliver the time-honoured line, which she’ll think is hilarious. If she doesn’t, she’s probably one of those feminists who doesn’t like blokes anyway. And if she calls you a wanker and has you barred for life, just try your luck at another pub.

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How to choose which TV series to stream and get it wrong every time

IT’S time to get into a new TV series. Here are five tactics to help you choose that are guaranteed to leave you disappointed:

Ask a friend 

Just because you’re close to someone it doesn’t mean you share the same taste, but you’ll feel obliged to follow their advice. Ahead lie exhausting nights figuring out what’s funny about a subtitled French comedy or trying to convince yourself that the unremitting misery of The Handmaid’s Tale is a good way to relax.

Ask Facebook

You’d think multiple opinions would help open your mind, right? Wrong. You’ll come away with a hundred possibilities, including Aunt Sandra’s favourite Some Mother’s Do ‘Ave ‘Em on BritBox and your brother’s psychotic friend’s suggestion of serial killer drama Mindhunter. You’ll quickly give up and mindlessly watch ancient episodes of Come Dine With Me. Again.

Follow the streaming service’s suggestions

Just because a show is similar to something you’ve already watched it doesn’t mean it’s good. And algorithms don’t realise Nicole Kidman is no mark of quality. Frankly you’ve got to question the algorithm’s taste if they’re pushing things like Emily in Paris, which made you wonder if evolution has started going backwards when you accidentally watched five minutes of it.

Look at review websites

If you’re in desperate need of guidance it might be worth trawling the reviews on Amazon Prime. However, if the popularity of the aforementioned Emily in Paris is anything to go by, most people are incapable of judging whether a show is worth watching or will make you want to poke your eyeballs out, so you’ll end up watching absolute shite.

Watch something you’ve seen multiple times already

After an hour or so of trying to decide, you’ll give up on finding an amazing new show and turn to an old favourite instead. You don’t actually need to watch Red Dwarf because you’ve seen every episode nine times and can recite the script word for word, but at least you know it’s not The Wheel of Time.