PARTNERS can be annoying. Stick it to them in no uncertain terms with the following petty acts.
Use all the hot water
The only thing better than a long, hot shower is knowing that your partner will subsequently freeze their bottom off, thus paying for being mildly annoying three days ago. When they complain, express surprise and tell them there was loads of hot water when you used the bathroom. If you can use it all up by doing the dishes, so much the better; they’ll be cold but forced to be grateful.
Unplug their toothbrush
There’s nothing quite as sad as rubbing an uncharged electric toothbrush across your teeth. Unplug your partner’s device to immediately rob them of their dignity. Innocently claim you thought it was fully-charged, and as they lie in bed listening to you vibrate the plaque off your own pearly whites, enjoy yet another meaningless little victory.
Drink from their favourite mug
You know they’re anal about always using their ‘special’ coffee mug? What better way to subtly ruin their day than by filling it with your morning orange juice? They’ll be seething but won’t feel able to start an argument over something so petty. Better still, use it to rinse paintbrushes or similar, insisting it’ll be fine after a good wash.
Screw lids on tightly
The ultimate power move. Deal with years of resentment by removing easy access to spreads and condiments. If they want Marmite on their bagel, they’re going to have to come begging to you. Sorry, you guess you don’t know your own strength. They hate you but they need you. Just like the rest of your relationship and the mortgage.
Continue watching a TV show without them
Your partner’s gone out for a few after-work drinks so it’s the perfect opportunity to watch a few episodes of Severance without the socialising traitor. They can always catch up the next time you go out, which you never will because you have no friends. They’ll just have to be confused by what’s going on forever.
Tune the car radio to a station they hate
Despite being in their late 30s, your significant other loves driving about to the inane chatter and AI-generated pop of Radio 1. Make a point of changing the station to Radio 4 whenever you have the car. It’ll be both inconvenient and make your partner feel guilty for having zero interest in the grown-up business of current affairs. Obviously only do this when you’re getting out so you can still listen to Heart on your way to the gym.
