'Wanking's a great healer': Actually useful post-break-up advice

MOST break-up advice is meaningless waffle. This is the self-love guidance you should be listening to if you want to fix your broken heart.

‘Wanking’s a great healer’

Time heals all wounds, but it takes ages. Wanking on the other hand can be over and done with in ten minutes and leaves you feeling amazing. And if you’re feeling particularly sad, you can sort yourself out multiple times in one day. Just make sure you stock up on toilet paper or vibrator batteries first.

‘Spend time doing what you love, like wanking’

The key to getting through any break-up is to dedicate your time to doing what you love, and you love nothing more than bringing yourself to climax. Dedicate whole days to being slumped on your sofa, watching porn on your phone with your hands down your pants furiously shuffling away. You deserve it.

‘Remember there’s plenty more wanks in the sea’

In the immediate aftermath of a break-up, you’ll probably feel like you’ll never wank again. Cheer yourself up by remembering that there are plenty more wanks in the sea, all you’ve got to do is get out there, unzip your jeans, and start fiddling around. Your ex is undoubtedly doing the same, so don’t feel guilty about it.

‘Give yourself some wanking space’

Throwing yourself straight back into the dating scene is a bad idea. You need time to reflect, process your feelings, and use this space to wank yourself silly. If you get with someone else you won’t be free to tug yourself off whenever you feel like it, so savour this period while you can. Your friends in relationships wish they could go back to your carefree lifestyle of freewheeling masturbation.

‘Keep yourself busy by wanking’

If you’re not busy then you’ll start to dwell on your ex and all the many, many f**k ups that led to you getting chucked. You don’t want that. Instead, keep your mind and hands occupied by frantically wanking away at all times. Your pain and self-loathing will quickly disappear into life’s rear-view mirror as you go back for round 46.

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Man who burned tongue on cup of tea has never felt so betrayed

A MAN who burned his tongue on a cup of tea feels like he has been betrayed by a loyal and trusted friend.

Tom Logan made himself his usual cuppa as soon as he got out of bed and took it to the living room to enjoy while he watched Saturday Kitchen. However, his peaceful morning was ruined when he took a sip of his beverage and discovered it was hotter than the surface of the sun.

Logan said: “I’ve been drinking tea my whole life with no issues, aside from the time I accidentally put some gone-off milk in when I was hungover, and immediately vomited. But I’m happy to admit that was my own fault.

“So imagine my distress when I picked up my mug expecting a lovely sip of perfect temperature tea, as welcome as the warm embrace of an old pal, and instead got a mouthful of liquid so scalding I couldn’t even taste the PG Tips?

“I suppose in theory you could argue it was my fault for misjudging the amount of time that had passed between the water boiling and me attempting to drink it, but I blame the tea. Oh why hast thou forsaken me with this heinous act of treachery?”

Logan’s girlfriend Lucy Phipps said: “He’s so stupid. I’d better dump him as it wouldn’t be ethical to breed with him.”