When Mummy gets a bun in the Aga: the middle-class guide to 'the talk'

EXPLAINING sex to your children is never easy, especially when your home’s over the threshold for inheritance tax. Sex expert Denys Finch Hatton tells you how: 

Use appropriate euphemisms

The birds and the bees are for peasants. It’s important that the euphemisms and metaphors you use for sexual contact are congruent with your children’s view of the world. Lines like ‘when Mummy’s has that Cotes du Rhone feeling…’ or ‘Daddy gets as hot as the Aga at Christmas’.

Give them good resources

A great deal of sexual health resources aren’t relatable to children whose school has a separate Wikipedia page for ‘Notable alumni’. Lift passages from literature, find a vintage illustrated Victorian Kama Sutra, or simply allow them to watch French films.

Be good role-models

Our kids are like sponges, absorbing knowledge and values from us. So hypocritically warning them against adultery then being caught in the au pair’s room, or telling them about the dangers of autoerotic asphyxiation then being caught having a suspended wank will mean the lessons don’t sink in. Keep all that to when they’re boarding.

Tell them not to be influenced by peers, unless upper-middle

It’s important that children choose their own path, unless the peer pressure is coming from the granddaughter of a heriditary peer in which case they know best so politely defer. Good contacts open so many doors.

Warn them about the consequences

Every middle-class parent’s worst nightmare is their daughter coming home from her gap year building schools in Thailand with a surfer’s bun in the oven, unless the surfer is heir to a US phama fortune. Avoid such a tragedy by warning that the school fees for ensuing infants will be docked from their inheritance.

Remind them they can talk to you about anything

While our parents left the room when a tit came on screen, a financially comfortable family lets children know the door is always open. Tell them that they can talk to you about sex just as they would competitive rowing or the Ocado vs Waitrose debate.

This should've been Freedom Day, say furloughed workers in pub at midday

WORKERS on temporary paid leave nursing pints in a bar at lunchtime are bemoaning the cancellation of Britain’s Freedom Day. 

With limited restrictions remaining in place until next month, workers on furlough have been forced to drown their sorrows from the confinement of a pub while earning just 80 per cent of their salary.

Nightclub barman Tom Booker said: “If the Delta variant hadn’t come along and f**ked everything up I’d be preparing to work until 3am right now. Instead I’m here knocking back rounds on the company’s dime like a prisoner.

“Call this freedom? I don’t.”

Graphic designer Martin Bishop agreed: “The hardest part is the disappointment. The government said Freedom Day was set in stone. I should be back in the office today but instead I’m here and we can’t even sit out because it’s raining.

“They’ve taken away our God-given right to work without our consent. I can’t even go to the bar. I have to order my Bulmers on an app. Much more of this and there’ll be revolution.

“I’m going on holiday to the Peak District next week. And it’s all Boris’s fault.”