IMAGINE you’re selling your old Fiat Panda. You agree a price, but as the new owner drives it away it transforms into a top-of-the-range Audi. That is what a post-break-up boob job is like for men.
A woman getting bigger breasts after a split is traumatic for their ex because they can’t help dwelling on the hours of fun they’ve missed out on. This is not reducing women to sex objects. Tits are just the icing on the cake of you being a strong, independent, successful woman. Obviously.
It’s also easy to forget the role ex-partners have played in the wellbeing of your norks. Fondling them, hanging around while you buy bras for them, acting as an unpaid style consultant on the issue of whether a top is too revealing and ‘tarty’. It never is, by the way.
Therefore I believe exes should have breast visitation rights – a regular, agreed period of time to have meaningful contact with the new bigger tits. This would include admiring and ogling, although I realise fondling is a more contentious issue, especially with your new boyfriend Gary.
Of course, any arrangement must be what is best for the breasts. But don’t cut your ex out of their lives. It’s possible they’ve become attached to him. Could tits in fact be sentient? There is a shocking lack of scientific research into this, so we cannot categorically say ‘no’.
The fact that celebrities like Lily Allen and Helen Flanagan are not sharing their break-up boob jobs with their exes does not make it okay. If we all followed Lily’s example, my ex Lucy would have recorded a whole album explaining what a shit I was in painful detail, which is almost as bad as missing out on her massive new funbags.
But I feel the clincher is this: what if the gender roles were reversed? If men got penis enlargements after break-ups, most would be happy for their ex to come round and try it out. In which case shall I pop round and see your new tits, Luce? It’s bad to be sexist.
