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'I stopped getting off my tits on E because you were born, and I resent it' say dads inspired by John Lewis advert

FATHERS emboldened by the Christmas John Lewis advert have told their children how deeply they resent being dragged away from lives of ecstatic hedonism. 

The advert, which sees a man given a house record flashback to when he used to spend every Saturday on the dancefloor f**ked off his f**king face, has helped thousands of ex-raver dads reconnect with their towering bitterness that it all had to end.

Tom Booker of Swindon told his 14-year-old son: “Friday night down the pub, Saturday in a club, Sunday on a weed-smoking comedown. That’s what you took from me.

“It’s just like in the advert: suddenly the dancefloor was deserted and there was a bloody baby there demanding all my attention. The party was over and replaced with something far, far less fulfilling.

“Now I live in a tasteful house with Bauhaus prints on the wall and a moody teenager still wearing his headphones even on Christmas morning, and let me tell you it’s nowhere near as good. Even when I do a dab of MDMA I feel shit for days.

“Yes, John Lewis have connected with a whole generation and made them feel miserable. Overpriced twats. I’m not buying my wife’s slippers from there.”

He added: “And Alison Limerick? Basic. Get me the white label of Paul Weller’s Heliocentric, the Swordsman mix, and I might grudgingly like you.”

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AI, vaping, never getting a mortgage: the subjects added to the school curriculum

THE English curriculum is to be changed to remove double Latin with Michael Gove to instead reflect the realities of the 21st century. These are the new subjects: 

AI

Artificial intelligence is embedding itself into everyday life to the point where you cannot turn on a f**king tap without it, so children must be educated. The new syllabus will teach pupils the difference between actual art and slop, that an AI is not your girlfriend and how to politely explain to their future boss that using AI on this project will never, ever work.

Vaping

Children will be taught at exhausting length why vaping is uncool and harmful to their street cred. Former vapers will speak in assemblies about how puffing away on strawberry-scented clouds destroyed their friendships, and youth counsellors will hand out pamphlets explaining why it’s far better for their image to get into weed, or at least rollies.

Never getting a mortgage

No amount of budgeting will get today’s children on the housing ladder. To make this information more palatable, new lessons will explain how mortgages are as scientifically impossible as perpetual motion machines. Once children realise mortgages are unobtainable, they’ll be content with their future of paying them by proxy for older generations.

Living with climate change

Climate change is the new normal. Lessons sponsored by BP will explain why fossil fuels are worth mass extinction and rising sea levels will bring the beach to you. Top marks will be awarded to pupils who explain why recycling is useless and point out that Earth’s climate goes through natural cycles anyway so it’s fine.

How to forage porn

Sourcing filth is a rite of passage for hormonal teens, but online age verification checks have made this very slightly more difficult. To combat this, elder Millennials and Gen Xers will give educational talks about the top shelves of newsagents. By 2036, every school leaver will be able to spot a used Razzle in a bush from a hundred metres.

Why fascism’s great

The quaint old curriculum of the past got fascism all wrong. The whole world is lurching far right, meaning schools must sing from the same state-mandated hymn sheet. Lessons will explain how winning World War Two was ultimately wrong, and homework will teach kids to examine their parents for signs of wokeness. Anyone failing will vanish without trace.

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