Woman advised she hasn't dated enough dickheads

A WOMAN has not yet dated enough dickheads to appreciate a date who is only dickhead-adjacent, he has told her.

Sophie Rodriguez, aged 24, was on a first date with 31-year-old James Bates when he quizzed her about her dating history before advising her to date ten to 15 dickheads then get back to him.

She said: “He was bragging about his skill at pan-searing salmon, his mildly impressive salary and his two-bed flat in Solihull, and I guess I looked unimpressed.

“At which point he stopped and said ‘Wait. You think I’m a dickhead?’ I admitted it and he shook his head in disbelief and said ‘Oh, little girl. You have so much to learn.’

“He explained that in today’s dating market he was actually an incredible catch, but I’d not dated enough of the total cocks, twats and wankshafts out there to realise that. And that he had no choice but to send me to date a few of them until I understood.

“After ordering for me, we went through Tinder and he recommended a few top-tier dickheads who would speed the process up, while assuring me that pretty much any random guy on there would make him seem like a real prince. While staring at my tits.

“I have no intention of ever seeing him again. I’m going to delete his number and date almost anyone else. Which is exactly what he’s told me to do, and the thing is: what if he’s right?”

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From 'just one' to waking up in a ditch: a pint-by-pint timeline

GOING out for one drink always ends up with you completely shitfaced. But how do you get there? Find out with this timeline.

First pint

Here you go, as planned. One pint of pale ale. What a delightful way to round off your Saturday. Take your time to sup on this amber nectar because it’s all you’re drinking this evening. You’ve got to be up early tomorrow to take your kids to soft play, remember? You wouldn’t want to be hungover for that.

Second pint

Oh, go on then. You’ve had a long week and nobody ever really means it when they say they’re just having one. You’ll still be able to wake up with a clear head tomorrow, even if you forget to have a glass of water when you get in. Live a little, you deserve it.

Third pint

Careful now. This is the event horizon of pints. If you drink this then you’ll start to lose the ability to make completely rational decisions. In your tipsy state you might order one more for the road, and before you know it you’re onto your tenth pint. Turn back after this one or suffer the consequences.

Fourth pint

So you’ve decided to press on. Interesting. At this point you’ve probably already broken the seal by heading to the bathroom, indicating that you’re in this for the long haul. How’s that nagging voice in your head, the one that’s telling you this is the last drink? If you can still hear it, drown it out by having another pint.

Fifth through to ninth pint

These pints happen in a flurry. Maybe your friends bought them for you, or maybe you’re getting so pissed your memory is playing tricks on you. Either way, your table is now completely taken up with empty pint glasses, and when you stagger to the bar it feels like you’re on a ship sailing through rough seas.

Last orders pint

The barman ringing the last orders bell is like Pavlovian conditioning and will send you racing to the bar to try and get one last pint. Never mind the time though, you won’t get served because you’re obviously twatted and he’s going to boot you out onto the pavement instead.

2am cans of Carling

Out of desperation for one more drink you have ended up buying a six pack of Carling from a 24-hour off licence. Yes, it tastes like weak dog piss, but you don’t want a high percentage drink for your nightcap. Even in your inebriated state, as you neck a can while taking a slash in a backstreet, you have standards.

Waking up in a ditch pints

What the f**k happened? It’s Sunday afternoon now and you’ve woken up in a ditch by a ring road. Most of the pints are now pooled around you in the mud, and your phone is blowing up with texts from your partner asking you what time you’re going to be home. If you recognised any of the place names on the road signs, you’d tell them.