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Woman dumped so incompetently she'd rather be ghosted

A WOMAN is suffering through a break-up handled with such staggering ineptitude that she would honestly prefer her ex to disappear without a word.

Emma Bradford admitted she knew soon-to-be-ex Joseph Turner was bad at dancing, looking up from his phone and cunnilingus, but if she had known he would botch ending a relationship this badly she would have encouraged him to vanish without trace.

She said: “We’re on our third relationship summit. I got the idea during the first one. He’s still fumbling his way there.

“He spends an hour reeling off all the reasons I’m too good for him and why he’s a terrible partner for me, then he pays for drinks and we hug. But doesn’t actually end it, then he texts ‘I still really care about you’ and we’re back to square f**king one.

“Compare that to a modern f**kboi who one day simply no longer exists, cleanly and efficiently, leaving you room to mourn and T-shirts to burn. Who’s the real gentleman?

“I need him to end it so I can get on Hinge. I am already on Hinge, but because he’s so bad at this he’s made me the guilty party.”

Turner said: “I could never unfeelingly just disappear from a woman’s life. I still want her to think I’m good.”

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She's a waterfall, and other metaphors for women employed by singers trying to get laid

WHAT is she? Definitely not a groupie, no, she’s some form of flattering abstract noun and you’re prepared to elaborate if she takes her top off. These comparisons led to sex: 

[She’s a] Waterfall, The Stone Roses, 1989

She is apparently a waterfall, by which Ian Brown is unclear what he means to the point it makes no less sense backwards. He gives his true feelings away with ‘Free from the filth and the scum, This American satellite’s won’, showing it’s about a girl he wants to dump her knobhead boyfriend for Ian and his dodgy Sky box. Also Ian is in a band.

She’s a Rainbow, The Rolling Stones, 1967

Of course she is, it’s the 60s, colours are in. Adapted from his 1957 original She’s Drab Sepia. The opening line ‘She comes in colours everywhere’ implies the woman is an orgasmic, psychedelic flesh firework as all women desired to be back then, with long hair she combs.

She’s Like the Wind, Patrick Swayze and Wendy Fraser, 1987

‘It’s a period 60s film. You’re a dancer.’ ‘Got it. So you’ll need me to sing an 80s rock track for the soundtrack?’ ‘…fine.’ Patrick Swayze had so much confidence he could flirt with a metaphor better suited to flatulence and still score. Though with someone who was, technically and legally, a child.

[She’s a] Maniac, Michael Sembello, 1983

Most only use this to describe an ex, but Sembello ain’t afraid to switch shit around. ‘It can cut you like a knife, if the gift becomes the fire,’ he explains, which is as close a request for full penetrative sex as metaphors will allow. He all but suggests she leave her legwarmers on.

She’s a Lady, Tom Jones, 1971

Being able to identify a woman as sure-footedly as Tom Jones could was a massive turn-on for women in the early 70s, used to being taken for long-haired dope-smoking men by rednecks in pick-up trucks. It was a relief just not to be beaten for dodging the draft.

She’s Electric, Oasis, 1995

Total f**king nonsense with a tune borrowed from 1970s BBC show for pre-schoolers You and Me. Soon to be transfixing a stadium near you, leaving thousands weeping tears of lager.

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