Oasis reunion marred by fratricide

OASIS’S first reunion gig has been praised by fans as the greatest concert they have ever attended, spoiled only by a minor fratricide late on. 

Attendees were delighted as rock’s original Cain and Abel ran through a blistering set of hits and favourites which had the whole stadium singing along until they turned on each other during the first encore.

Nathan Muir of Cwmbran said: “Well, I say the first encore. Obviously there wasn’t a second one.

“It had all gone so well. They’d been getting along like heavy-browed Neanderthals. But Noel was doing Talk Tonight, made a little joke and seconds later got whanged on the back of the head with a tambourine.

“That got him up, acoustic guitar wielded two-handed like a club, and next thing he’d smashed the very instrument he used to write The Masterplan over his own brother’s head.

“It escalated from there, the crowd cheering wildly as brother accused brother of ‘marding’, fought with instruments and the traditional plums, and by the end one was lying dead on the stage while the other muttered ‘F**king have that, you gobby twat,’ to the whole stadium.

“Which one’s dead? I don’t know, I was in the top tier, I could see bugger all.”

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We ask you: are you ready to see Ozzy Osbourne bite the head off a live bat one last time?

FAMED oral decapitator of chiroptera Ozzy Osbourne performs for the final time in Birmingham today. What are you hoping he will do? 

Roy Hobbs, metalhead:Paranoid, War Pigs, Crazy Train, Iron Man, Suicide Solution backwards, you know. All the hits.”

Susan Traherne, academic librarian: “The bat obviously, snorting a line of ants, biting the head of a dove as a nice contrast, pissing on the Alamo while wearing Sharon’s dress, you know. All the hits.”

Hannah Tomlinson, sound engineer: “I’m into his later stuff, so I’m hoping for a full live episode of The Osbournes as we loved it in 2002.”

Jimmy Bates, haberdasher’s mate: “At the end a giant demonic bat should swoop down and bite his head off, providing pleasing narrative symmetry.”

Louis Cipher, businessman: “Well well well. Looks like someone’s pact with the devil forgot to include eternal life.”