Subscribe

Woman worried one-night stand moving too fast

A WOMAN is concerned that her one-night liaison with a personable stranger is moving a little too fast for both of them.

Nikki Hollis, aged 28, is anxious that her spontaneous hook-up is progressing too quickly and the whirlwind of lust with a man she has just met will run its course in a matter of hours.

She said: “It’s all been such a blur. We only locked eyes across the bar 45 minutes ago, now I’m back at his place snogging on the sofa. I haven’t even made lame small talk about my siblings yet.

“I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I think this could go to the bedroom. He’s been dropping subtle hints, like asking if I’ve got condoms and saying he can’t wait to shag the arse off me. So if it’s not happening he’s sending very mixed signals.

“At this rate we’ll be rutting like feral dogs from 10pm, and what does that say about me as a person? Even though it’s definitely on, I don’t want him to think I’m easy. Would holding off to watch Newsnight kill the sexy vibe?

“I’m not expecting anything but a night of banging then to dress silently while he snores, noiselessly close his door and wait shivering outside for an Uber. But I’d feel less of a slut if that was at 8am rather than 6.30am.”

Hollis’s date Norman Steele said: “Honestly, I’m relieved Nikki’s pumping the brakes. I don’t think I’m ready for the commitment of no-strings-attached sex.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday
privacy

Holiday friends or swingers? How to tell the difference

ARE this couple trying to be your holiday hombres for the next fortnight, or are they pushing for a four-way in their five-star suite? Check these clues: 

They ask where you’re staying

Normal holiday friends ascertain where you’re staying for an evening apertif. Would-be shaggers ask how thin the walls are and what angles your balcony is visible from. They may also casually ask if it has a hot tub and whether lube was packed in your hold luggage, all of which crosses the boundaries of legitimate enquiry.

They joke about swinging

The asides about how the four of you are always together begin early, with ‘They must think we’re the Beatles!’ and quickly degenerate into ‘They must think we’re performing an ABBA-style four-sided 69, which incidentally is a mind-blowing experience!’ Even though nobody is thinking that. Except you, now, invited back to enjoy ABBA Gold.

They take a suspicious interest in your relationship

Asking how long you’ve been together is normal. Asking if ‘the spark is still alive’ is a search for exploitable issues they can use to separate you, shag you both and then get you back together in time for the coach to the airport. When they ask if you’re adventurous, say you’d be open to a day trip to see how traditional cork is made to confuse them.

They offer to apply your sunscreen

It’s an obvious way in. Despite your wife being just there, the older hot woman is offering to rub factor 50 into your back. She’ll then ask if your wife if jealous of seeing her hands all over you, and you’ll reply ‘she’s not noticed, she’s really absorbed in that Elena Ferrante.’ If she asks if you’re open-minded, admit you do sometimes flick over to Channel 5.

They invite you to their villa

Not inherently bad, especially if you’re on an all-inclusive and bored of the food. Until it turns out all they’re serving is wine and they ‘like to be relaxed’ by which they mean naked. Act like you’ve not noticed and make conversation about whether 40 euros is too much for a boat trip to the blue cave.

They suggest a couples’ game night

A regular couples’ game night involves booze, nibbles wine and someone getting disproportionately angry about Pictionary. A suspicious couples’ game night involves phrases such as ‘we don’t really use the conventional rules’. When they produce those weird dice with sexual instructions on them it’s time to say you’re only up for Uno.

They keep saying ‘no pressure’

A red, flashing warning. Nobody says ‘no pressure’ before suggesting a game of cards or nap back at the villa. At this point, smile politely, finish your drink and announce that you’re both off to bed. If they reply ‘Already?’ they’re swingers.

Next story ›