Woman's world rocked by three minutes of missionary position, boyfriend confirms

A MAN has performed mind-blowing sex on his girlfriend by doing three minutes of missionary intercourse, he has confirmed.

Jack Browne is confident that the 180 seconds of unimaginative, pneumatic sex he shared with partner Emma Bradford will be mentally classified by her as the best lay she has ever had.

Browne said: “Emma’s one lucky lady. There aren’t many women out there who are fortunate enough to have such generous and deft lovers as me.

“After seducing her by whispering ‘Fancy a shag?’ we got straight down to business. I hopped on top and clumsily thrust my hips up and down for three minutes in awkward silence, while Emma lay there practically motionless with ecstasy.

“Once I was done I rolled off and fell straight asleep. Meanwhile Emma probably took that time to recover and message her girlfriends about the earth-shattering orgasm I assume she experienced.

“Some people say you need to do different poses and use toys to have a good sex life but they’re wrong. Missionary is considered a classic for a reason, and if it ain’t broke don’t fix it.”

Bradford said: “I’ve had bumpy bike rides which were more sexually satisfying than that. Plus they didn’t snore or leave me to sleep in the wet patch.”

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Woman in leopard print top absolutely going to end up more pissed than her friends

A WOMAN wearing a leopard print top on a night out is guaranteed to get more drunk than any of her friends, it has been confirmed.

Carolyn Ryan consumes alcohol at a normal pace when wearing regular clothes, but when she slips on her leopard print top she transforms into an insatiable drinker nobody can keep up with.

Friend Lucy Parry said: “Me and the girls were planning to have a quiet one tonight, cost of living and all that. Then we saw Carolyn rock up in that leopard print top and knew she was going to get shitfaced.

“Within 20 minutes she’d overtaken everyone else, tipped her G&T over the waiter she was flirting with and broken a heel while dancing on the table, which apparently isn’t allowed in Bella Italia. When she wears that top we’re merely her handlers.

“It’s not her fault really. The leopard print pattern exerts a strange, mystical hold over women. It’s like the One Ring of clothing. Once you pop it on it slowly corrupts you and drives you mad. Or in Carolyn’s case, blind drunk.”

Ryan said: “This animal pattern has imbued me with superhuman drinking powers. I hope I don’t lose it when I inevitably get my stomach pumped.”