'You're great company' and other phrases that mean you're not getting a second date

WONDERING if you repulsed your date with your face and personality? If you hear any of these phrases, the answer is ‘yes’.

‘You’re great company’

Ouch. Don’t delete the dating apps anytime soon. This is a polite person’s way of saying ‘You’re not a bad person but I would rather die alone than shack up with you’. If they really liked you then they would have snogged you or invited you up for coffee at midnight. Better luck with the next person who accidentally swipes right on you.

‘Get home safely’

If you pay close attention you’ll notice there’s nothing in this farewell about meeting up again. No hint of where or when to meet, a complete absence of flirtation, and even their wishes of safety are probably half-hearted. This is an instruction to leave their presence immediately, which is odd because you’ve only been on the date for ten minutes.

‘I’ll call you’

You’ve hugged them, chickened out of giving them a kiss on the cheek, and then they say this. Score, right? You can strut home like the lothario you are. Wrong. Once home you’ll realise you didn’t exchange numbers, then notice their profile has mysteriously vanished from the dating app. Maybe they dropped their phone down the toilet. That must be it.

‘It was nice meeting you’

On the surface this sounds promising, except they’ve dropped an n-bomb. ‘Nice’ is the death knell for any potential romantic interest. It’s your date’s way of signalling that you’re inoffensive but boring, kind of like you’re the human equivalent of a Cool Original Dorito. Good enough if there’s nothing else, but everyone would prefer Tangy Cheese.

‘This was fun, we should do it again!’

This old line. Usually said by spineless dates as they scurry off home or slam their front door. Why can’t they say they had a miserable time in your tedious company to your face? You’re better off without these two-faced cowards. Delete any follow-up messages they may send about meeting up for a second date. It’s all lies.

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'Based on a true story': Incredibly stupid horror film lines they won't stop using

HORROR films are designed to scare, but nothing is more terrifying than these dumb, clichéd lines they insist on using.

‘Based on a true story’

A meaningless term slapped on crap films to give them a sense of dramatic weight. Test audiences should be filled with fact-checkers to nip this shit in the bud and spare everyone else the tedium. Everyone knows ghosts and demons don’t really exist, but if the script is good nobody cares.

‘If ye go there, ye shall never return’

The cryptic old man on the roadside who delivers this warning to the protagonists usually has a point. But no one ever listens to him because otherwise the plot wouldn’t go anywhere. Although if he got some smarter clothes and had a shave then maybe he’d have a better hit rate.

‘This better not be one of your pranks’

Characters love to shout this clunky line for no other reason than to reveal their exact location to the villain. If they insist on being friends with someone who repeatedly lures them into elaborate pranks though then maybe they deserve to be mauled by a werewolf.

‘See, nothing to worry about!’

Nothing signals that a character is about to get impaled quite like this line. It doesn’t matter if they’ve checked the perimeter for signs of spike-wielding zombies, if they say this then expect them to die in a matter of milliseconds. At least it gives audiences a decent warning before the jump scare.

‘There’s no signal’

It’s 2022, even cabins in remote woods and abandoned asylums get signal. On the off-chance that every character’s phone, laptop and smartwatch has run out of battery, they could still probably video call the emergency services via a toaster connected to the cloud. Do better, hack writers.

‘Why are you doing this?’

Expositionary dialogue of the lowest order. If the villain has axe-murdered his way through a Victorian hospital then he’s past the point of sitting down for a constructive discussion of his grievances. In fact it’s lines like this which probably pushed him over the edge.