Your break-up and her new cushions equally newsworthy, mum believes

A MOTHER has decided her daughter’s devastating news that her relationship of four years is over and her new cushions deserve equal conservational billing.

Sarah Fisher, aged 29, phoned mother Mary to break the bad news that she and her live-in boyfriend have split to find it was considered on the same level as tough upholstery choices and the daily movements of the cat.

Sarah said: “So yeah, it’s over, I’m going to have to move out and I’m pretty heartbroken actually. I can’t stop crying. And apparently they contrast beautifully with the curtains.

“They’re not matching, because if you match too much you lose the individuality of the room, and they’re chenille but the expensive type that doesn’t shed. I’ve been cheated on and may never trust again, but priorities.

“What news would she consider more important than her own? Redundancy? Becoming quadraplegic? Being trapped in the house with a serial killer? Ah well, next time she’s having a health scare I’ll begin a lengthy narrative about discovering a new type of nut milk.”

Mary said: “It was like Sarah hadn’t heard my news. Children. It’s so hard to engage with them.

“I’d said ‘poor love’. But she barely considered my dilemma about whether a rug in the same colour would overwhelm the pelmets.”

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Harry and Meghan the new Katie Price and Peter Andre

HARRY and Meghan have graciously stepped up to take the place in the public’s hearts that was once reserved for Katie Price and Peter Andre. 

The couple, who are sharing every detail of their tawdry, jewel-encrusted lives with the world, hope to be as beloved as the reality stars were in the years 2004 to 2009.

A friend of the couple said: “Nobody can ever forget how dazzlingly Katie and Peter burned during those glory years. Harry and Meghan are no exception.

“The romance began when they were camping in Botswana and Meghan said ‘This is just like Katie & Peter: African Adventures.’ Harry’s heart lifted at her intimate knowledge of the couple the whole of Britain loved.

“They resolved to be just like them. Starring in Suits was Meghan’s Page 3, while dressing as Rommel was Harry’s Mysterious Girl. Marrying was their I’m A Celebrity. The Netflix show is their Katie & Peter: The Next Chapter. 

“We’ll see them living their glamorous celebrity lives, but also at home raising the girls, negotiating deals with Hello! and having screaming rows because Harry’s been texting the blonde from the Saturdays behind Meghan’s back.

“They plan to achieve complete media saturation until all anyone can think of is Harry and Meghan, Meghan and Harry, Harry and f**king Meghan. What a magical fairytale it’ll be until the split.”