Your family members ranked from worst to best

SOME family members are simply better than others. Find out how yours stack up with this definitive ranking of your blood relatives.

8. Little brother

Or as you call them: ‘That f**king little shit who used to play with my toys without asking’. You’re still not over how your parents were soft on him compared to the totalitarian upbringing they put you through. Maybe you should let it go though. It’s been 30 years.

7. Uncle on your dad’s side

A man who has all of the annoying traits of your dad without the unconditional love that makes your father tolerable. If you met this guy through work you’d think he was a right bellend and never hang out with him. As it is, you have to endure his company for two minutes at Christmas. And that’s more than enough.

6. Newborn niece

Not the worst but nothing special either. It just kind of sits there and cries sometimes. Everyone finds it fascinating even though it hasn’t developed a personality yet. Quite why you had to visit it and spend a fortune on a gift is anyone’s guess. It’s cute, but not quite Baby Yoda standard.

5. Cousins

The most bang-average of family members. They’re like you from a parallel dimension only somehow slightly more boring. What’s their job? Do they have kids? You’re not sure. They tell you this sort of stuff at New Year’s Eve parties but you’re always either too drunk or bored to remember.

4. Dad

Breaking into the upper tiers purely because he used to give you lifts into town and has a better sense of humour than your mum. Otherwise he’d be hovering near the bottom because his weird parenting has left you thoroughly unprepared for adult life. You’ve also inherited his balding pattern, which knocks off a few more points.

3. The dog

The only family member who is always excited to see you and, unlike some, has never asked to borrow money. For those reasons alone he deserves to be near the top, but he’s also provided countless hours of entertainment and has even acted as your wingman in the park. It more than makes up for the fact that you have to pick up his shit.

2. Mum

She has to be placed this high or she’d bloody kill you. She deserves it though because she literally made you, a fact she likes to point out when she has a favour to ask. Yes, she can be a pain in the arse with her constant trivial questions, but it’s only because she loves you so bloody much which is rather nice really.

1. Nan

Your nan is like your mum but even better. She says what she thinks no matter how batshit crazy or problematic it sounds, and she’s always willing to throw money at you because she can’t take it with her. Eating her incredibly unadventurous biscuits is a small price to pay.

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'It's opposite day': Seven perfect responses to being disciplined at work

RECEIVING any sort of punishment at work is stressful, but you can deal with it calmly and maturely. Or you can try these long-shot ways of weaselling out of it…

It’s Opposite Day

You may have been given a formal warning and two weeks’ unpaid leave, but tell them it’s Opposite Day and you’ve got yourself a promotion and a salary bump. Congratulations!

Play dead

Slump to the ground and do not respond when your colleagues nudge at your lifeless body. After a few minutes they’ll lose interest and move on. It works in Hollywood films, and they would never give a distorted view of real life.

Blame your twin

It was all an elaborate plot by your twin in an attempt to undermine you. Note: this is less effective if you are fraternal girl-boy twins. Or if you don’t have a twin. However your boss may avoid you in future due to being dangerously unhinged.

Call the police

Being told off is threatening behaviour if you’re a sensitive person, so it’s grounds for dialling 999 and getting the boys in blue to put that HR manager away for a long time.

Pretend they are dead

Also known as ‘Sixth Sense-ing’. Stare blankly past your boss and whoever else is disciplining you. Look unsettled. Then make a phone call to discuss the terrible freak accident they were all killed in. Ghosts can’t discipline you.

Call your union rep

Sounds crazy, but calling in a union rep can provide external support and clarification of your workplace rights. Actually no, this is too out there. Nowhere’s got a union anymore. Skip to the next one.

Play the UNO reverse card

We all know how important it is to keep one of these cards on you. Play this bad boy on your boss and now she’s the one getting disciplined. Or wondering why you’re wasting her time with a family card game and moving you to the top of the ‘suitable for downsizing’ list.