SOME family members are simply better than others. Find out how yours stack up with this definitive ranking of your blood relatives.
8. Little brother
Or as you call them: ‘That f**king little shit who used to play with my toys without asking’. You’re still not over how your parents were soft on him compared to the totalitarian upbringing they put you through. Maybe you should let it go though. It’s been 30 years.
7. Uncle on your dad’s side
A man who has all of the annoying traits of your dad without the unconditional love that makes your father tolerable. If you met this guy through work you’d think he was a right bellend and never hang out with him. As it is, you have to endure his company for two minutes at Christmas. And that’s more than enough.
6. Newborn niece
Not the worst but nothing special either. It just kind of sits there and cries sometimes. Everyone finds it fascinating even though it hasn’t developed a personality yet. Quite why you had to visit it and spend a fortune on a gift is anyone’s guess. It’s cute, but not quite Baby Yoda standard.
5. Cousins
The most bang-average of family members. They’re like you from a parallel dimension only somehow slightly more boring. What’s their job? Do they have kids? You’re not sure. They tell you this sort of stuff at New Year’s Eve parties but you’re always either too drunk or bored to remember.
4. Dad
Breaking into the upper tiers purely because he used to give you lifts into town and has a better sense of humour than your mum. Otherwise he’d be hovering near the bottom because his weird parenting has left you thoroughly unprepared for adult life. You’ve also inherited his balding pattern, which knocks off a few more points.
3. The dog
The only family member who is always excited to see you and, unlike some, has never asked to borrow money. For those reasons alone he deserves to be near the top, but he’s also provided countless hours of entertainment and has even acted as your wingman in the park. It more than makes up for the fact that you have to pick up his shit.
2. Mum
She has to be placed this high or she’d bloody kill you. She deserves it though because she literally made you, a fact she likes to point out when she has a favour to ask. Yes, she can be a pain in the arse with her constant trivial questions, but it’s only because she loves you so bloody much which is rather nice really.
1. Nan
Your nan is like your mum but even better. She says what she thinks no matter how batshit crazy or problematic it sounds, and she’s always willing to throw money at you because she can’t take it with her. Eating her incredibly unadventurous biscuits is a small price to pay.
