FACEBOOK can be irritating at the best of times, but Christmas seems to bring out the worst in people who are already dicks. Such as:
1. The Christmas countdown
There is always some overexcited idiot who takes it upon themselves to be everyone’s human advent calendar. FIVE more days to go! FOUR more days… Even worse is when they say how many ‘sleeps’ we have until the big day.
2. The ‘Look at my Christmas tree’ posts
Remember in the days before social media when you took a photo of your Christmas tree and then you’d have to run and show all your family, friends, colleagues and random people you met in the pub once? Oh. Wait. WE DIDN’T DO THAT BECAUSE NOBODY GIVES A SHIT.
3. Hilarious ‘Elf yourself’ posts
What could be funnier than seeing your Aunty Jo’s head bobbing around in an elf costume? Anything. Literally anything.
4. The festive food pictures
It’s not the actual photographs that are so annoying, it’s the accompanying captions. ‘Homemade mince pies… nom, nom’ or ‘Yummy homemade Christmas cake. Don’t mind if I do!!!’ No grown-up person talks like this before eating in real life.
5. The over-the-top public ‘thank you’ post
‘Thank you to my wonderful [tagged partner] for this MASSIVE DIAMOND RING. I am such a lucky lady!’ What’s wrong with just SAYING thank you? You know, with your mouth? Oh that’s right – to be a massive f**king show off.
6. The ‘Look how popular I am’ picture
‘Having an amazing night with (tag 60 drunk friends in obligatory cocktail-drinking picture)’. If you’re having such a great night then why are you dicking around on Facebook?
7. The literal Christmas updates
‘Feeling festive while wrapping Christmas presents!’ or ‘Off to buy mince pies’. Or even ‘I’ve finished my Christmas cards’. Your own mother wouldn’t give a toss about this low-grade information, let alone everyone on Facebook.
8. The ‘prove your love’ posts
‘IF YOU CARE ABOUT ME PROVE IT BY CUTTING AND PASTING THIS POST.’ These posts are popular on Facebook all year round but at Christmas they seem to take over our news feeds. Embarrassingly desperate.
9. Look what I am doing for charity
Today I donated three coats and eight packs of baked beans to the homeless and so I am posting about it on Facebook otherwise the whole thing was pointless.
10. Posts that say ‘Pick your birth month and your favourite colour and your mum’s bra size to find your Christmas elf name’
The worst thing is these memes are shared by thousands. Seriously? Who are these people? What did they do before the internet? Stare at the carpet for hours to fill their empty time?
11. Sickening, cliched emotion
‘Surrounded by all the people I love, I feel so blessed…’ blah blah blah. Hate to be a grumpy old Christmas grinch, but f**k off.
12. The ‘bah humbug’ posts
Where people moan about how annoying Facebook is at Christmas. They sometimes even write entire lists then post them. On Facebook. At Christmas. Idiots.