12 ways to be a dickhead on Facebook this Christmas

FACEBOOK can be irritating at the best of times, but Christmas seems to bring out the worst in people who are already dicks. Such as:

1. The Christmas countdown

There is always some overexcited idiot who takes it upon themselves to be everyone’s human advent calendar. FIVE more days to go! FOUR more days… Even worse is when they say how many ‘sleeps’ we have until the big day.

2. The ‘Look at my Christmas tree’ posts

Remember in the days before social media when you took a photo of your Christmas tree and then you’d have to run and show all your family, friends, colleagues and random people you met in the pub once? Oh. Wait. WE DIDN’T DO THAT BECAUSE NOBODY GIVES A SHIT.

3. Hilarious ‘Elf yourself’ posts 

What could be funnier than seeing your Aunty Jo’s head bobbing around in an elf costume? Anything. Literally anything.

4. The festive food pictures

It’s not the actual photographs that are so annoying, it’s the accompanying captions. ‘Homemade mince pies… nom, nom’ or ‘Yummy homemade Christmas cake. Don’t mind if I do!!!’ No grown-up person talks like this before eating in real life.

5. The over-the-top public ‘thank you’ post

‘Thank you to my wonderful [tagged partner] for this MASSIVE DIAMOND RING. I am such a lucky lady!’ What’s wrong with just SAYING thank you? You know, with your mouth? Oh that’s right – to be a massive f**king show off.

6. The ‘Look how popular I am’ picture

‘Having an amazing night with (tag 60 drunk friends in obligatory cocktail-drinking picture)’. If you’re having such a great night then why are you dicking around on Facebook?

7. The literal Christmas updates

‘Feeling festive while wrapping Christmas presents!’ or ‘Off to buy mince pies’. Or even ‘I’ve finished my Christmas cards’. Your own mother wouldn’t give a toss about this low-grade information, let alone everyone on Facebook.

8. The ‘prove your love’ posts

‘IF YOU CARE ABOUT ME PROVE IT BY CUTTING AND PASTING THIS POST.’ These posts are popular on Facebook all year round but at Christmas they seem to take over our news feeds. Embarrassingly desperate.

9. Look what I am doing for charity

Today I donated three coats and eight packs of baked beans to the homeless and so I am posting about it on Facebook otherwise the whole thing was pointless.

10. Posts that say ‘Pick your birth month and your favourite colour and your mum’s bra size to find your Christmas elf name’

The worst thing is these memes are shared by thousands. Seriously? Who are these people? What did they do before the internet? Stare at the carpet for hours to fill their empty time?

11. Sickening, cliched emotion

‘Surrounded by all the people I love, I feel so blessed…’ blah blah blah. Hate to be a grumpy old Christmas grinch, but f**k off.

12. The ‘bah humbug’ posts

Where people moan about how annoying Facebook is at Christmas. They sometimes even write entire lists then post them. On Facebook. At Christmas. Idiots.

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The patron saint of lost Hermes parcels, and other saints the modern world needs

IF CATHOLICISM ever wants to be as big as BTS, it needs an upgrade and new saints to pray to. Which ones do we need the most?

St Gavin, patron saint of Tinder dates

Saint Valentine covers actual lovers, but hapless daters who get ghosted four times a month deserve their own. They can say a little prayer every time they go on another doomed date. It won’t increase their chances of getting a shag someone but it might give them someone else to monologue about their previous failed relationships to.

[indecipherable scribble] the patron saint of lost Hermes parcels

St. Anthony is the patron saint of lost things, but in a papal edict last year he said he ‘is not f**king touching’ Hermes parcels. We need a saint with the power to condemn drivers to hell on-the-spot when they boot a parcel over a hedge or conceal it deep in a bin on bin day.

St Jayden, patron saint of Insulate Britain

Finishing 2021 as one of the most loathed groups of people in Britain is quite an achievement and should be rewarded with a spiritual guardian. If they’re not being imprisoned they’re being screamed at by women in Range Rovers, so they need something to place their faith in.

TBC, patron saint of lost Tories

The Tories used to have their own saint, but Thatcher sold it off in the 80s. Now millions of voters are in spiritual crisis about how to be the moral, responsible ones when they put a party clown in charge. Saint Dominic, the patron saint of criminals, wants nothing to do with it.

St Piers, patron saint of anti-vaxxers

Do people so wilfully careless with other people’s lives deserve a patron saint? Well, it’ll be too late for vaccines when they turn up on a Covid ward but it’s never too late for prayer.

St Adele, the patron saint of divorce

Adele is so universally adored that the Pope will be more than happy to canonise her while she’s still alive. She won’t have to do much different to continue to be the spiritual protector and guide of heartbroken women who’ve been on the merlot, but it would be nice to make it official.