How to f**k up wrapping a Christmas present in 16 easy steps

WRAPPING time is here again, and so is lifestyle influencer Carolyn Ryan’s guide to the perfect department-store wrapped parcel. Follow these steps: 

Get a gift – we all have to start with something to wrap! Wrapping without a gift ensures disappointment.

Choose a part of the house where you won’t be disturbed by gift recipients. Ideally a room with a table, or a carpet, but the downstairs loo will do. Pretend you’re constipated.

Get your wrapping paper. Should be hand-selected to go with gifts but if all you’ve got is Spider-Man paper from one of your nephew’s birthdays, fine.

Look for a pair of scissors that aren’t the kitchen scissors you use to open raw chicken.

What has happened to all the bloody scissors in this house? Where do they go?

Relent and use the salmonella scissors.

Look for the sticky tape you bought last year for this exact purpose.

It’s nowhere. Pop to the post office to buy more but they’ve only got parcel tape. Great.

Make yourself a cup of coffee to prepare for an afternoon of present wrapping. Put on Christmas tunes.

Attempt to wrap a present. Attempt again. Turn off Christmas tunes and stick on YouTube video called ‘How to Wrap a Present’.

Stick on a further YouTube video called ‘How to Wrap a Present (Unusual Shape)’

Vow to only ever buy oblong gifts for in future.

Finish first present. Pour yourself a glass of spirits with shaking, traumatised hands and down it in one.

Consider cutting all ties with all friends and acquaintances to avoid ever having to wrap a present again.

Have a moment of revelation.

Stick the rest into a gift bags with scrunched-up tissue paper.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Life to get real shit real fast from December 26th

THE price for celebrating Christmas without curbs will be months of hardcore lockdown restrictions starting on Boxing Day. 

Following Boris Johnson’s bold science-disregarding decision to make everyone like him again, the country is in no doubt that come December 26th they will be back to trudging around parks every weekend and cutting their own hair with clippers.

A Downing Street spokesman said: “Take a good, long look at your family and friends this Christmas Day, because unless they’re in your support bubble you won’t be seeing them for a while.

“Remember how shit the January lockdown was last year? This one will be worse. And we’ll insist it isn’t actually a lockdown by dancing around words like curbs and restrictions and implying it’s all your fault.

“Pubs? Gyms? Nando’s? All opened and closed according to unfathomable new regulations designed to make you give up and stay home. You’ll be so beaten and broken by this one you’ll do your own lockdown.

“But you’ll be able to eat Christmas dinner with your uncle who asks why you’re still single and if you’ve got a proper job yet. Which will make the coming misery worth it.

“Merry Christmas. If you’re staying with in-laws you’ll be with them until February.”