WRAPPING time is here again, and so is lifestyle influencer Carolyn Ryan’s guide to the perfect department-store wrapped parcel. Follow these steps:
Get a gift – we all have to start with something to wrap! Wrapping without a gift ensures disappointment.
Choose a part of the house where you won’t be disturbed by gift recipients. Ideally a room with a table, or a carpet, but the downstairs loo will do. Pretend you’re constipated.
Get your wrapping paper. Should be hand-selected to go with gifts but if all you’ve got is Spider-Man paper from one of your nephew’s birthdays, fine.
Look for a pair of scissors that aren’t the kitchen scissors you use to open raw chicken.
What has happened to all the bloody scissors in this house? Where do they go?
Relent and use the salmonella scissors.
Look for the sticky tape you bought last year for this exact purpose.
It’s nowhere. Pop to the post office to buy more but they’ve only got parcel tape. Great.
Make yourself a cup of coffee to prepare for an afternoon of present wrapping. Put on Christmas tunes.
Attempt to wrap a present. Attempt again. Turn off Christmas tunes and stick on YouTube video called ‘How to Wrap a Present’.
Stick on a further YouTube video called ‘How to Wrap a Present (Unusual Shape)’
Vow to only ever buy oblong gifts for in future.
Finish first present. Pour yourself a glass of spirits with shaking, traumatised hands and down it in one.
Consider cutting all ties with all friends and acquaintances to avoid ever having to wrap a present again.
Have a moment of revelation.
Stick the rest into a gift bags with scrunched-up tissue paper.