Friday, 29th May 2020

87 per cent of pious twats who'd ostentatiously left social media come crawling back

ALMOST nine in ten of the smug arseholes who flounced off social media years ago have come shamefacedly back, it has emerged.

Dickheads who once claimed superiority over ordinary, bored Facebook members are now posting childhood photos and spending whole evenings scrolling through pictures of people from school they cannot really remember.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We can now officially confirm that these self-important twats are common scum just like the rest of us.

“If anything, time away from social media has made them even more needy and attention-seeking. They’re adding heart emojis to photos of their friends’ kids 40 per cent more than long-time users.

“We all read your ‘Why I’m leaving Twitter’ and ‘The twee toxicity of Instagram’ but here you are, back on all those and even delving into that garden of f**ksticks that is adult TikTok. I see little hope for them.”

Nikki Hollis admitted: “A mere 42 days in lockdown, and I sneak back in with an artfully-filtered garden photo and every like felt so damn good.

“How did I ever think that genuine human relationships could replace this?”