87 per cent of pious twats who'd ostentatiously left social media come crawling back

ALMOST nine in ten of the smug arseholes who flounced off social media years ago have come shamefacedly back, it has emerged.

Dickheads who once claimed superiority over ordinary, bored Facebook members are now posting childhood photos and spending whole evenings scrolling through pictures of people from school they cannot really remember.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “We can now officially confirm that these self-important twats are common scum just like the rest of us.

“If anything, time away from social media has made them even more needy and attention-seeking. They’re adding heart emojis to photos of their friends’ kids 40 per cent more than long-time users.

“We all read your ‘Why I’m leaving Twitter’ and ‘The twee toxicity of Instagram’ but here you are, back on all those and even delving into that garden of f**ksticks that is adult TikTok. I see little hope for them.”

Nikki Hollis admitted: “A mere 42 days in lockdown, and I sneak back in with an artfully-filtered garden photo and every like felt so damn good.

“How did I ever think that genuine human relationships could replace this?”

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Putting on weight and four other hot trends for this summer

THE coronavirus has altered lifestyles so drastically that sitting around in a grubby bathrobe eating cake all day is now de rigueur. But how else will lockdown shape the hot trends for this summer?

Showing off your new curves

No one is getting out of lockdown without gaining a few pounds, so we’d better all agree that fat is the height of fashion. After it’s eased, expect coastlines full of socially distanced humans blubbering around like beached whales in speedos.

A return to the Shit Age of television

No new television can be made for months, so the Golden Age is over. Expect instead to see people getting nerdily obsessed with the sort of tripe we used to sit through, like Juliet Bravo. You might not think you’d enjoy someone live tweeting the entirety of Howard’s Way, but you won’t have any choice.

Sleep addictions

Forget exercise or drugs: sleep is going to become the worrying new addictive trend this summer. So many people are now sleeping an average of 18 hours a day during lockdown that returning to ‘before time’ hours is going to be impossible.

Pyjama couture

During lockdown, the world has realised that any garment that isn’t pyjamas is a pointless faff. High fashion brands will be launching haute couture lines that are ruinously expensive and impractical, but you’ll be able to purchase a cheap nylon knock-off from Primark soon.

Old-fashioned courtship rituals

After lockdown, Tinder hook-ups will be out and walking five miles to stand two metres away from your beloved whilst making polite small talk will be in. Why people are so concerned about catching coronavirus when they didn’t used to give a f**k about catching chlamydia will remain a mystery.