A PROLONGED and gruelling era of interpersonal conflict is to end as Elon Musk buys and dooms Twitter. This is its history.
2006: Twitter founded
A load of tech blokes rush in and steal all the good names while trading 10,000 Bitcoin for a dollar.
2009: Twitter grows
Journalists colonise Twitter like noisy seabirds. Stephen Fry will tweet you back. Graham Linehan is a popular follow. This golden age, when journalists played witty Beatles-pun games without being bothered by normies, will never be forgotten. Trump joins Twitter.
Too-online teenagers with anime avatars invade the site having heard there’s enemies you can shoot. Twitter discovers it loves a fight in 140 characters or less and resolves to start one in every community. Rise of Trump continues.
2016: Trump gets elected
The thing that the people of Twitter feared most and did most to achieve happens when Trump becomes president. It couldn’t have happened without Twitter, so Twitter users redouble their efforts.
2017: Twitter goes up to 280 characters
You can now write twice as much so naturally this becomes the GIF era. Everyone accuses everyone else of arguing in bad faith and everyone is right. Knitter fights knitter, K-pop stan fights K-pop stan, quote-tweet pile-ons become the norm. Graham Linehan is no longer a popular follow.
2020: Mask off
The expressions ‘do your thing, Twitter’ meaning ‘ruin this person’s life and get them fired’, and ‘the main character of Twitter’ meaning ‘the person having their life ruined and getting fired today’, become popular. Twitter users continue to believe they are righteous dudes. Elon Musk likes that idea.
2022: Musk buys Twitter
The very thing the people of Twitter feared most once again happens – what is with that? – and Musk buys Twitter. Users tweet about it incessantly to boost profits for the man they hate most in all the world. A troll says nasty shit and they reward him with 350,000 quote tweets. Everyone threatens to leave the platform but no one does.