The memory of your first shag vs the reality

IN your mind, the experience of losing your virginity was a tender, romantic revelation. In reality, it was awful. Here’s how you’ve misremembered it.

He made it special

You remember a big bed, clean sheets and romantic music playing, but that’s because your mind has blocked out the reality of the situation, which was a single bed, a smelly Arsenal duvet and The Vengaboys’ ‘Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!!’ on repeat. Which is pretty special, but not in a good way.

She was hot

Even at the time you knew your teenage sweetheart was not hot, but you were able to look beyond the greasy hair and whiteheads. And, to be honest, you’d have shagged anyone. However, now that you’ve been in a mildly unhappy relationship for over a decade, she has become a wholesome, beautiful cross between Delia Smith and Claudia Schiffer, and you wish you’d never let her go.

He adored you

The fact he was constantly badgering you to touch his penis didn’t mean he was into you, it meant he was a teenage boy, thrilled that for the first time in his life he didn’t have to use his own hands. And making you a mixtape that included the song ‘Always’ by Bon Jovi is not proof of everlasting commitment, it’s just proof that you’re old now.

The sex was amazing

The truth is, you barely had actual sex. It was just the first time he’d managed to hold off blowing his load long enough to jam on a condom and wedge it in. The main emotions you felt were disappointment that it wasn’t as magical as you’d hoped and relief that you could tell your mates you were no longer a virgin.

She held you gently afterwards

When you think back, you remember her holding you tenderly to her breasts, like Kate Winslet does to Leonardo DiCaprio after they’ve had incredible sex in Titanic. The truth is she freaked out about the wet patch, then thought she heard her parents coming home and forced you to leave via her bedroom window where you twisted your ankle leaping from the top of the kitchen extension.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

The celebs guaranteed to be flogging some kind of Christmas shite right about now

IT’S the start of November, which is practically Christmas Day, so famous faces are lining up to flog their festive tat. Here are some you can guarantee will have ‘Christmas product’ out.  

Heston Blumenthal

After being locked in Waitrose’s experimental kitchen all year, Heston will suddenly be let loose. He’ll emerge with a totally bonkers bunch of Christmas-themed grub, such as pigs’ trotters stuffed with marzipan, deconstructed mince pie soup and a physics-defying goose-inside-a-turkey-inside-a-robin. Or somesuch bollocks. No f**ker will buy it.

David Walliams

There’s only one weird bloke slithering down your chimney and that’s David Walliams. He’ll definitely have another book or three out, and one will be getting the full-scale Christmas Day adaptation on BBC1. Probably with Olivia Colman. It’ll be twee sub-Roald Dahl nonsense called The Nun with the Nunchucks, The Magic Jelly Well or Janine’s Big Burp. Raise your kids illiterate so you don’t have to read them this crap.

Mary Berry

Mary’s thawing process from the deep freeze begins in around September, meaning she’s up to room temperature by early December. Then it’s time for a new book and TV special with a wildly imaginative title like My Perfect Christmas or My Festive Favourites. It will contain recipes for every single Christmas item you can think of, all of which you can buy from Sainsbury’s for a fiver without spending your holiday doing hard labour. This will continue until Mary reaches 200 years old. Then returns as a hologram alongside Paul Hollywood on Bake Off.

Michael Buble

The most notorious repeat offender on this list. Buble disappears off the face of the earth, then emerges for around eight weeks a year with his own brand of festive swing. Like a mayfly with only a day or so to live, Buble will pack a year’s work into this period. Press junkets, chat show appearances, miming on The One Show. It’s a low-effort, high-yield career path pioneered by Slade’s Noddy Holder. Who’ll also pop up.

Sir Cliff Richard

Sir Cliff will be back, to celebrate the birth of Jesus and flog a new Christmas album and 2023 calendar. It’s what the Messiah would want. He’s got his own BBC special, so let’s hope it’s better than the last one, which was just BBC News helicopters hovering above his house after unfounded paedo allegations. He looks incredible for 82 and he’s never had any work done, honest!