IN your mind, the experience of losing your virginity was a tender, romantic revelation. In reality, it was awful. Here’s how you’ve misremembered it.
He made it special
You remember a big bed, clean sheets and romantic music playing, but that’s because your mind has blocked out the reality of the situation, which was a single bed, a smelly Arsenal duvet and The Vengaboys’ ‘Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!!’ on repeat. Which is pretty special, but not in a good way.
She was hot
Even at the time you knew your teenage sweetheart was not hot, but you were able to look beyond the greasy hair and whiteheads. And, to be honest, you’d have shagged anyone. However, now that you’ve been in a mildly unhappy relationship for over a decade, she has become a wholesome, beautiful cross between Delia Smith and Claudia Schiffer, and you wish you’d never let her go.
He adored you
The fact he was constantly badgering you to touch his penis didn’t mean he was into you, it meant he was a teenage boy, thrilled that for the first time in his life he didn’t have to use his own hands. And making you a mixtape that included the song ‘Always’ by Bon Jovi is not proof of everlasting commitment, it’s just proof that you’re old now.
The sex was amazing
The truth is, you barely had actual sex. It was just the first time he’d managed to hold off blowing his load long enough to jam on a condom and wedge it in. The main emotions you felt were disappointment that it wasn’t as magical as you’d hoped and relief that you could tell your mates you were no longer a virgin.
She held you gently afterwards
When you think back, you remember her holding you tenderly to her breasts, like Kate Winslet does to Leonardo DiCaprio after they’ve had incredible sex in Titanic. The truth is she freaked out about the wet patch, then thought she heard her parents coming home and forced you to leave via her bedroom window where you twisted your ankle leaping from the top of the kitchen extension.
