Archeologists uncover ancient responsible drinking posters

SCIENTISTS have found the earliest example of sour-faced meddling in a 15,000 year-old pub in Cheddar.

The cave, thought to be a Wetherspoons, features wall paintings depicting a stick man blowing into a pig’s bladder next to a four-stag pileup.

Carbon dating shows that they predate even the Lascaux campaign of a primitive figure engaged in various tasks like mammoth hunting whilst being shadowed by a child stick figure with oddly-bent limbs.

Professor Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, said: “It seems that even before written language was born, mankind had developed a keen sense of ruining somebody else’s fun.

“I imagine that at the same moment the first primitive human created fire with his trembling hands, some hairy-knuckled prick sat next to him was whining on about his asthma and telling him to put it out.

“Living in the middle of an ice age with an average life expectancy of 28, it’s hard to imagine how our ancestors found any joy in life to suck out but I think the fact we’ve yet to find any ashtrays on the dig proves that they managed it.”

The Cheddar cave also held a vast array of human skulls designed for getting pissed, from adult heads used for drinking an early form of beer carried on a ‘booze walk’ across the land bridge to mainland Europe to newborn baby skulls for necking vodka jelly.

There were also novelty vessels, such as the deliberately-deformed skull that had been stretched into a yard of ale and one whose inscriptions seem to translate as ‘My forefathers went Lindisfarne and all I got was this lousy dismembodied head’.

But Brubaker said: “As much fun as a druid pissup in a cave may sound, we have found markings near the entrance that ask patrons not to take their skulls outside, to respect the neighbours in the next shit heap and reminding them that re-entry will not be permitted 10 minutes after the great fire god of the sky has gone to sleep.”




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Rotting elephant corpse parties with Kerry Katona

THE decomposing elephant from Channel 4’s Life After Death has been spotted partying with Kerry Katona at a string of exclusive London clubs.

Fast-rising carcass Tom Logan spent last night celebrating his success at some of the capital’s most glamorous venues with such luminaries as Alex Reid, Lisa Faulkner and Dean Gaffney, before finally being winched out of Soho members’ club Prick House at 5am with former Atomic Kitten songstress Kerry Katona.

An onlooker said: “They looked like they were really enjoying each other’s company outside the club as the dead elephant was carefully lowered onto a chaffeur-driven flat bed lorry trailer.

“Kerry was whispering in its ear flap and giggling. She certainly didn’t seem put off by the flies, the stench, or the murder of crows tearing shreds of decaying flesh from his putrefying flank.”

Logan’s meteoric rise to fame began when Channel 4 executives spotted him disintegrating near a dried-up watering hole.

He has since been moved to London, where his agents are rumoured to be in advanced talks with the producers of Hollyoaks.

Celebrity pundit Nikki Hollis said: “Tom’s the current dead thing du jour but there’s lots of other deceased mammals bubbling under.

“The word on the entertainment grapevine is that there’s a really good bloated porpoise just washed up on a beach in Denmark.”

She added: “Tom certainly looked tired when he left Whiskey Mist last Tuesday via a complicated system of pulleys.

“I hope he isn’t partying too hard as a way of escaping the pressure.”