Arctic parka faces tough test of Morrisons car park

A NORTH Face coat designed for the most extreme weather conditions on Earth has resigned itself to being used as a fancy duvet on the high street.

The parka, which boasts DryVent waterproof technology and 550 fill RDS-certified goose-down insulation, will today face the tough dash across Morrison’s car park in drizzle with a hair-raising stop at the cashpoint.

It said: “I could do Alaska. I could handle Greenland. Trekking in Siberia wouldn’t faze me.

“But the hardest thing I’ve had to face so far was a Sheffield bus-stop in fairly heavy rain, and from the mobile conversation I heard that’s the last time that’ll ever happen.

“I don’t suppose I mind being draped over the back of a chair in Café Nero, but it’s hardly testing me to the full extent of my capabilities.

“I feel like Ian McKellen doing Coronation Street, but forever.”

The coat added: “Okay, the car’s all parked. 80 yards to get through in nine degrees celsius and cloud cover before we’re indoors again. I can do this.”

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May to choose new star from Conservatives’ array of outstanding talent

THE prime minister faces the enviable job of choosing a new rising star to be defence minister from the Tories’ stellar array of talent. 

Following Michael Fallon’s resignation, May is struggling to pick just one of the incredible options available to her which she has described as “a political X-Factor line-up from the show’s absolute prime”.

She continued: “It’s literally dazzling.

“Tough as it is to match up to the Cabinet I’ve already got, who are some of the best and brightest people in Britain, these new guys are more than up to the task.

“I mean, consider the kind of people who would have chosen to become Conservative MPs in the last decade or so and you’ve got an idea. Just wow.

“And the defence portfolio is certainly one anyone’d jump to take on, encompassing as it does our ongoing operations in Afghanistan, Iraq and the upcoming return to Northern Ireland.

“I feel so blessed. But not as blessed as Britain itself.”