Battery-powered book a surprise hit

A TYPE of book with a battery has proved popular despite being pointless.

The Kindle electronic book does essentially the same job as a book, except it looks shit and you sometimes have to plug it in.

Despite this, the device has proved a huge success, mainly with menopausal women determined to maximise the amount of Lynne Truss they can consume in a day.

Technologist Nikki Hollis said: “Have you ever been reading a paperback book and thought, this is a nightmare, the design of it is awful, just doesn’t work at all?


“Despite this someone took it upon themselves to create a book with a screen and buttons. Effectively mimicking the tedium of computer-based toil, but in your leisure time.

“Apparently it’s really convenient for going on holiday because you don’t have to carry lots of books. But unless you’re Brian Sewell, how many books are you really going to read on holiday? One and a half, max.

“Although with the electro-book you can strap it into a black leather carrying case so it looks like an S & M Gameboy, which is quite funny.

“Otherwise it’s like a proper book that got shot up by criminals and rebuilt as a soulless machine called robobook that is always sad and has lucid dreams about the halcyon days when it was made of paper.

“Still, it’s really caught on. Probably because of how much humans like to buy new things.”

Electro-book fan Emma Bradford said: “Thanks to this gadget I’ve been able to get rid of all those books that were cluttering up my house and making it look interesting.

“I’m really excited about the drab, unemotional future age we are entering.”



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Money apparently involved in football

PREMIER League football is in some way linked with lots of money, internet sleuths have claimed.

After Manchester City pipped Manchester United to the Premier League title in a climax more dramatic than a Shakespearean porn film, thousands of proudly sport­-illiterate keyboard owners started angrily noticing that both clubs handle an awful lot of cash.

Sportologist Tom Logan said: “So if I’m reading this correctly, City and United have both invested their own money in a way they saw best for their business interests? Why has this startlingly clever revelation only just occurred?

“Perhaps these people could use their laser­-guided insight to study whether neighbouring countries vote for each other in Eurovision or politicians sometimes lie?”

The internet’s legion of happiness-vacuums are now calling for all sport to be run on a purely non­-profit basis and be played just for the joy of it, like crown-green bowls or badger­-baiting.

Tom Logan said: “They argue that because professional football is typically played by the kind of people who used to chuck their PE kit onto the roof of the science block, it should not be allowed to have the same operating budget as the superhero film industry.”

IT expert and multiple internet forum moderator Wayne Hayes, aka ‘Sheeple69’, said “The difference between a work of art like Avengers Assemble and watching Manchester City is that the film is about a group of physically enhanced people and one unstable beast with varying levels of loyalty battling to overcome a seemingly-­unstoppable foe.

“Shut up, it’s just better than football, okay?”