Blueyonder old as shit, Gmail dull as f**k – what your email address says about you

EVER wondered what conclusions people draw about you based on your email address? Here’s what they think when you turn up in their inbox: 

Blueyonder – old as shit

You got this in the late 90s and are too terrified of losing decades of possibly valuable spam to update it. Don’t worry about it now. You’re probably not getting many emails anyway. Soon you will join the great blue yonder in the sky.

Yahoo – complete freak

You’re a bleakly stupid weirdo who still forwards chain emails about a doll that will come to life and kill you if you don’t pass it on to 50 people by midnight. There are few fellow Yahoo users left, because they’ve all fallen prey to Nigerian prince scams and are in debtor’s prison.

Gmail – dull as fuck

Yeah, you’re boring. You probably still remember the day you typed ‘email’ into Google and just selected the very first thing that came up. You always order the first thing on the menu and your favourite genre of music is Top 40, you basic bastard.

Work e-mail – arrogant prick

Oh, well done you. Commendable in this day and age to not even pretend to have a work/life balance. Your friends and family love your annual updates that your email address is now @newponceworkplace and any emails sent to your previous account are being forwarded to some stranger who’s also called Jeff.

Protonmail – conspiracy knobhead

Using a Switzerland-based encrypted service? Who do you think you are? You’re not engaged in corporate espionage or exchanging state secrets with Bejing. Nobody wants to read your Battlestar Galactica best-to-worst episodes list. MI5 think you’re a twat.

Your own domain name – massive narcissist

Unless you’re a successful children’s party clown or own a restaurant, there’s no need for you to have your own website. An email like ‘[email protected]’ is a sign that you’re not only self-obsessed but unable to notice a pointless tautology. Grow up and join the real world.

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Home Office to allow camp, deeply weird migrants in so Britain can win Eurovision

BRITAIN is to relax immigration laws to allow migrants wearing silver jumpsuits singing nonsensical songs about plum harvests who can win Eurovision for us. 

After a second successive last-place finish, culture minister Caroline Dineage said: “Britain is best at everything, we all know that, but we can’t be best at being shit.

“We’re picking the worst popstars our country has to offer, but they’re not good enough. The only solution is to import the crappest and most deranged musical minds the continent has to offer and let them run riot.

“Work permits, visas and citizenship are available to anyone who arrives on our shores in glittery shirts slashed to the navel, singing bizarre nonsense in accented English and then breaking off to perform a ballet dance with dancers dressed as sinister spoons.

“If your lyrics make sense, if your melody is pleasant, if your idea of performance does not involve sitting cross-legged in the air playing a piccolo while yodelling peasants ice-skate below you, don’t bother to apply.”

Slovenian tractor-driver Lojze Knez said: “Heard snatch of pop song from a passing car when boy. From that have created whole warped mental fantasia of pop music not in accordance with any kind of reality.

“But don’t want to go to Britain. Is shit.”