When someone bumps into you, and other times Britons apologise unnecessarily

ARE you British? Then you’ve apologised, often repeatedly, for these things that really weren’t your fault: 

Someone bumping into you and treading on your toe

What arsehole leaves their house and walks down a street? You, that’s who. How inconsiderate of you. If you’d never been born this poor chap innocently walking along gazing into his phone would never have barged into you and crushed your toes in the first place. You owe him an apology, but can it ever be enough?

When making a justified complaint

How rude not to eat that dead mouse in your soup. You say you’re sorry, but the chef went to a lot of effort to prepare that food and you’re complaining. And, yes, you should be contrite for the brand-new television bought last week not working. Apologise for returning it to John Lewis and asking for a replacement, but don’t expect your apology to be accepted.

Sending a colleague an email

Sure, you open with ‘really sorry to bother you’ but do you mean it? If you really don’t want to bother someone you could try just never contacting them at all. Instead you did, selfishly, so you owe them this before you start.

For not packing your bag quickly enough in Aldi

You apologise for taking so long yet you’re still packing, inconveniencing the cashier, the customer behind, the customer behind them and so on. Even though you’ve abandoned your system of tins at the bottom, soft groceries at the top and everything will be ruined you’re still packing. And now you need another bag? You monster.

Turning up early

You should be bloody sorry; your appointment isn’t for another three minutes. We have time slots for a f**king reason, you wanker. This is a doctor’s surgery not a drop-in centre. Can’t you tell the time?

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Seven more bullshit ways the government can attack the BBC

HATERS of the BBC are using Martin Bashir’s Princess Diana interview 26 years ago to claim it should shut down. Here are seven other equally bollocks excuses: 

Russell Brand

Remember when Russell Brand did the bad thing with Jonathan Ross? Lives ruined and a family torn apart, though that was mainly the tabloid follow-up? There’s life in that old dog yet. Ken Bruce is on Radio 2, where it happened. He should be fired.

Match of the Day

Host Gary Lineker and England hero turned traitor has ruined this flagship football show with anti-Brexit tweets. It’s not his job to produce pro-EU propaganda – if it was, it would be called Going Against the Will of the People of the Day. How can we trust him on Arsenal vs Watford now?

The Graham Norton Show

Suffers from a lack of balance in the guests. Fine for viewers who like showbiz lefities like Margot Robbie or Harry Styles, but what about those who want to see Mark Francois, Liz Truss or Tommy Robinson on the sofa next to Dua Lipa?

Holby City 

Turn on the socialist BBC and you’ll be forced to watch some pro-NHS propaganda such as this, Casualty or Doctors. By contrast, get Disney+ and you’ll be able to watch high-quality dramas like The Mandalorian, encouraging self-reliance and private sector policing. Another triumph for capitalism.


Notoriously bad soap opera set on a North Sea ferry. It was broadcast in 1981 so a BBC inquiry is long overdue. All previous director generals apart from the current good Tory one should retrospectively resign and pay back their salaries.

The Wombles

The Wombles had a blatant environmental agenda, spending their days recycling while living in a commune. The Extinction Rebellion of their time, it’s clear only budgetary concerns stopped Orinoco resorting to direct action and gluing himself to a plane.

The Daleks

What sick BBC minds created these monstrosities designed to scare children? And no attempt is made to show the positive qualities of the Dalek race, who had a strong belief in discipline and a real pride in their own planet.