ARE you British? Then you’ve apologised, often repeatedly, for these things that really weren’t your fault:
Someone bumping into you and treading on your toe
What arsehole leaves their house and walks down a street? You, that’s who. How inconsiderate of you. If you’d never been born this poor chap innocently walking along gazing into his phone would never have barged into you and crushed your toes in the first place. You owe him an apology, but can it ever be enough?
When making a justified complaint
How rude not to eat that dead mouse in your soup. You say you’re sorry, but the chef went to a lot of effort to prepare that food and you’re complaining. And, yes, you should be contrite for the brand-new television bought last week not working. Apologise for returning it to John Lewis and asking for a replacement, but don’t expect your apology to be accepted.
Sending a colleague an email
Sure, you open with ‘really sorry to bother you’ but do you mean it? If you really don’t want to bother someone you could try just never contacting them at all. Instead you did, selfishly, so you owe them this before you start.
For not packing your bag quickly enough in Aldi
You apologise for taking so long yet you’re still packing, inconveniencing the cashier, the customer behind, the customer behind them and so on. Even though you’ve abandoned your system of tins at the bottom, soft groceries at the top and everything will be ruined you’re still packing. And now you need another bag? You monster.
Turning up early
You should be bloody sorry; your appointment isn’t for another three minutes. We have time slots for a f**king reason, you wanker. This is a doctor’s surgery not a drop-in centre. Can’t you tell the time?
