Everyone who's called Cummings a liar for years ready to believe every word

MILLIONS who hated lying bastard Dominic Cummings for years are ready to believe anything he says now he is slagging off Boris Johnson. 

Cummings’s evidence about the government’s handling of the pandemic later today will be treated as gospel truth by anyone who this time last year thought he was a mendacious, dishonest shitbag.

Hannah Tomlinson of Croydon said: “Last May, I gaped in disbelief as the deceitful twat lied about his trips to Barnard Castle. But perhaps I was too hasty to judge.

“I also called him a Machiavellian sociopath who has destroyed the very fabric of our country when he was behind the Vote Leave campaign. Maybe I was wrong. People change.

“So I’ll listen to his evidence about how Boris Johnson ballsed up Covid and didn’t give a toss if we all died with an open mind, by which I mean I’ll accept it all without question.

“To be honest, if it was going to damage this government, I’d give Hitler’s ghost the benefit of the doubt.”

Michael Gove said: “Cummings? That one who we all defended as an honest man and good father last year? He’s full of it. Don’t believe anything he says.”

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Your guide to Boris Johnson's magical, romantic third wedding

BORIS Johnson and Carrie Symonds, the Posh and Becks of the 2020s, have finally set the date. But what to expect from this special day? 

Will Johnson’s previous marriages be an issue?

They’re an advantage. Johnson is well-practised at getting married which will help everything go smoothly on the day. Best man Michael Gove, or Matt Hancock if things are going badly, will prevent him getting the phone numbers of any American amateur pole dancers present.

Where will it be held? 

Either Chequers, the country home provided to the prime minister which he has described as ‘this job’s only f**king perk’ or a safari park in Kent. If the latter then should something go terribly wrong, like an affair being discovered or cash running out halfway down the aisle, guests can enjoy the antics of the shit-flinging chimps.

Will the couple write their own vows? 

Yes. Symonds favours a modern wedding, and Johnson is keen to strike out the ‘until death do us part’ bit. She will commission a team of PR consultants to write hers, at a cost of £800,000 billed to the Conservative party, and he will scribble his in the transept five minutes before.

What is the itinerary?

Broadly the same as a normal wedding, but much more expensive. So ceremony, reception and disco, then Boris and Carrie will leave for a luxury honeymoon which is a generous gift from a billionaire friend and definitely won’t be repaid with undisclosed favours.

Who’s been invited?

All acknowledged children, the rest of the attention-seeking Johnson family, right-wing cronies from the Spectator, anyone who will give the couple jobs post-Downing Street and Ed Sheeran to keep the public on side. Dominic Cummings will not be allowed to DJ despite being, according to Dom, the greatest wedding DJ the world has ever known.

Will Dilyn the dog be there?

Of course. Probably in a little top hat and morning dress, because a cute shaggy dog will be a great distraction from whatever Brexit shit the government will be mired in by next July.