LUCKY enough to be getting some? Here are six inadvisable phrases to blurt out after a session of raucous love-making:
‘That was exhausting’
While you might well be red in the face and suffering from cramp after just a few thrusts try to emphasise the positives, rather than treating the whole thing like a nude spin class.
‘Do you have the time?’
Way to make your partner feel like they’re just another bloody errand you’ve ticked off your to-do list. Unless this is part of an elaborate fantasy where you’re a businessman who’s slipped out on his lunch break to ravish them, just subtly check your phone.
‘Cor blimey’
Your partner wasn’t aware they were having sex with a Cockney geezer, but now you’ve blown your cover. Save this for when you’re spotted a big dog in the park – ‘Wow’ or ‘I love you’ is far more acceptable in a sexual context, even for hook-ups.
‘A solid six out of ten’
Honest, but an ice-cold thing to say to someone who’s had their face in your crotch for 20 minutes . Unless you were actively injured, just politely suggest they watch a few instructional videos and don’t call you again.
‘Well done’
Alternatively, throw your partner for a loop by complimenting them in such a condescending way that they feel like they’re being assessed by a sexual exam board. Offer them a sticker if you want to be a real bastard about it.
‘Did you come?’
Come on. If you have to ask, the answer’s no.
