BMW drivers facing speed limiters promise they'll still be wankers

BMW drivers have assured the public that speed limiting technology will not stop them being tossers on the roads.

By 2022 speed limiters could force motorists to stay within the law, but owners of big, ostentatious BMWs say they have plenty of other tricks up their sleeves.

BMW 5 Series owner Stephen Malley said: “They may take our speed away but that doesn’t mean we stop owning the road.

“We can cut you off, drive right up your arse and pull away at traffic lights like we’re trying to achieve Mach 1. Or there’s simply looking like an arrogant arse as we cruise past your shitty little car on the motorway.

“I’ll only admit defeat when technology stops me cranking up the stereo so loud everyone on the high street can hear The Best of Genesis.”

An RAC spokesman said: “Speed limiters aren’t a magic solution to BMW drivers. We could ban BMWs but then the bastards would just buy an Audi.”

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Your guide to surviving Boris or Gove

AFTER Theresa May’s resignation the next prime minister could be Boris Johnson or Michael Gove, resulting in years of dreadful bullshit. Here’s how to get through it.

If it’s Boris

Imagine he’s a fictional character. A tubby, posh buffoon who thinks he’s Churchill and uses incorrect Latin phrases could easily be a Richard Curtis character. Or a former lover of Uncle Monty in Withnail and I.

Brace yourself for more ‘dog whistle’ crap. Boris thinks he is oh-so-clever with his ‘quips’ appealing to World War 2 obsessives and racists, so expect things like: “You didn’t see many Spitfire pilots wearing a burqa!”

Keep a bottle of gin to hand. Getting pissed will be the only way not to fall into despair at the next posh totty shagging incident or general lazy incompetence from his foreign secretary days.

If it’s Gove

Move to another country. In his own way, Gove is worse than Boris due to being slightly brighter and more of a dweeby little git. Rural Kyrgyzstan is probably good for not getting BBC news.

Prepare for the egomania. Gove likes to present an erudite, ‘decent guy’ persona, but it’s only a matter of time before his ego takes over and he makes a daily 15-minute TV broadcast to the nation about ‘Gove schools’, the battleship ‘HMS Gove’ or whatever.

Don’t look at him. It’s not Gove’s fault he looks like a puppet crossed with something out of Lord of the Rings, but it’s generally best not to look at him, and you’ll avoid the insufferable smugness too.