Odd f**ker takes three-seater sofa to himself in packed cafe

AN odd-looking fucker has commandeered an entire four-seater table for himself in an absolutely rammed café. 

Nathan Muir, who has possessions in a carrier bag and who other customers cannot look at without feeling uneasy, remains alone on the sofa even though there is not one single other seat in the place.

Emma Bradford, who has balanced a plate on her elbow while she stands to eat her ciabatta, said: “I’ll perch on the edge of someone else’s table the moment there’s an inch of it free. Just not his.

“His very lack of movement makes him suspect. This is Britain. He should be scuttling out of the way in shame at our amassed judgement, but he’s just sitting there.

“If he at least had a laptop we could tacitly threaten it with spillages, hovering over him menacingly, but instead we just let him have his sofa because he looks… strange.

“How strange? Put it this way, even if he stood and left now I wouldn’t take his seat immediately. I’d let it cool first.”

Muir said: “I’m an outsider from society, shunned wherever I go for the invisible differences others detect. But I’ve got a seat and you haven’t.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

How to climb down gracefully from being a rabid Brexiter

HAVE you spent years accusing anyone who’s ever been to France of being a traitor, but now feel rather overtaken with events? Here’s what to do: 

Blame Theresa May

She’s the catch-all Brexit scapegoat, so spout impassioned guff about how she destroyed your pure, hard Brexit and then left, her mission complete. It doesn’t make sense, but nobody who’s met you is expecting sense.

Tell everyone you were lied to by a bus

The £350 million lie on the Brexit bus has become a magical get out of jail free card for people who ignored that it was bullshit at the time. Everyone will nod and say ‘mmm, bus.’

Pretend it was all a ‘joke’

Explain that your previously inflexible, border-obsessed racist attitude was actually an immersive, durational piece of performance art that they didn’t ‘get’. This includes running to become a UKIP councillor in 2018.

Make up a convoluted conspiracy theory

As a former Brexiter everyone expects you to be a bit loopy, so offer an incredibly complicated explanation involving the EU Army, white slavery rings, a new drug called Hexadeth and your plan to destroy Europe from the inside and people will accept it.

Fake your own death and move to Italy

If after three years of inisting you’ll never set foot outside of British territory again you feel like a holiday, just bugger off to a villa in Tuscany. Don’t worry. Nobody will try to track you down.