'Close doors' button on lift does f*ck all, admits engineer

A LIFT engineer has confirmed that the ‘close doors’ button does absolutely f*ck all.

The20-year veteran said that it was put there to make short-tempered office workers feel better a but is always disconnected.

The anonymous whistle-blower said: “The doors close anyway, so what’s the point. No one’s that busy. What, you can’t wait 3 extra seconds to go back to your desk and check Facebook again? I’m glad it doesn’t do anything.

“You’re already in a lift. Look around you. It’s a box that means you don’t have to walk up two flights of stairs. And you want it to be more convenient? F*ck you.”

Other things that are believed to do sh*t-all include those self-administered morphine drips in hospitals and the indicators on an Audi Q5.


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'F**king grasses will get theirs when I'm PM' vows Johnson

BORIS Johnson has promised a crackdown on grasses, rats and f*cking busybodies who stick their noses where they do not belong.

Johnson, still favourite to become prime minister despite the police being called to a row at his home, will legalise pushing dog-dirt through snitches’ letterboxes.

He said: “Across this great country, honest, decent people doing nothing more than standing on their ex-wife’s lawn at 4am shouting ‘bitch!’ are being unfairly harrassed by neighbours who need to wind their f*cking necks in.

“It is every man’s right to engage in a screaming row with his partner without these bloody stoolies – and let’s face it, they’re all Remainers – getting involved.

“The Mind Your Own Bloody Business Act, which I am currently drafting nightly after my second bottle of wine, will make furious doorstep confrontations, keying cars and painting ‘Coppers’ Nark’ on houses perfectly legal.

“Also, if elected, I promise to install a disused washing machine, burnt-out mattress and crazed pit bull on Downing Street. Let’s be the nation we really are.”