Dad's phone torch on again

A DAD has left his phone torch on again, it has been confirmed.

Steve Malley, aged 57, has accidentally and unknowingly turned it on and now a bright light is blazing out from the shirt pocket where he subsequently placed it.

Son Josh Malley said: “I’ve repeatedly told him to either disable the torch setting or handle the phone by its edges, but time and again his big-toe-sized thumb switches it on.

“And because he’s a dad he keeps it in the pocket of his shirt, which he already knows is stupid. Just ask him how many phones have gone down the toilet because he bends over to flush and it slips out.

“The torch thing is puzzling though, because when he attempts to use it for its intended purpose it takes him multiple attempts at pressing the icon correctly. And then it will immediately run out of battery because it’s been on all day in his pocket. The man is infuriating.”

Steve Malley said: “For some reason it always turns itself on full beam when I’m not looking. Maybe the bulb’s on the blink. I might have a spare in the garage from the Christmas tree lights. It can’t be that fiddly to open up an iPhone, can it?”

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How to enjoy the last weekend not f**ked by Christmas

BY next weekend, every spare moment will be consumed by festive duties. Here’s how to enjoy your last bit of free time unbesmirched by Christmas.

Savour a peaceful walk through town

Currently you can stroll through your town centre with relatively minimal bustling. That won’t last. As Christmas approaches, the streets will be filled with market stalls selling shit nobody wants, and dawdling shoppers clogging up the pavement. You’re better off staying at home until January, so make the most of this final amble.

Gaze adoringly at your bank balance

God, would you just look at it. It’s just about in the black, and it’s even in double digits. You’ve worked really hard all year to get it into this condition, so you deserve a last, loving look before it plunges back down to minus a couple of grand. And that’s before you even factor in all the credit card debt you will undoubtedly accrue.

Bid your belt a fond farewell

You’ve had some good times this year, you and your belt. But like all good things, your time together has come to an end. You’re already filling out with mince pies, and things are only going to get more gluttonous the closer you get to the big day. Kiss it goodbye as you gently lay it into hibernation. You won’t see it again until April at the very earliest.

Take one last look at your tidy home

While not necessarily immaculate, your home is in pretty good order. The dirty dishes are sort of neatly piled up near the sink, and the floors are not strewn with scraps of wrapping paper and pine needles. This will all change in December, as you will be pressured into filling your home with pointless decorations, presents and people. Roll on the punishing misery of January.

Relish not having to go anywhere or do anything

What do people get up to in the last weekend of November? A sweet, glorious f**k all. This is the calm before the storm of Christmas, where you will be forced to shop and wrap and endure in-laws, so savour it. Nobody would even blame you if you stayed in bed for 48 hours scrolling through your phone. You’re going to need to save your energy for the next few stressful weeks.