Darth Vader Is A Baptist, Says Vatican

THE Vatican has admitted intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe but that much of it is under the control of protestant denominations.

Monsignor Umberto Facci, the Vatican's Head of Religious Science, called on Earth's Catholics to challenge intergalactic heresy and help billions of alien planets find the path to Rome.

The Vatican's study involved watching a series of films including the orginal Star Wars trilogy, Dune, Battlestar Galactica and Star Trek III: The Search for Spock.

Monsignor Facci said: "We applied our usual rigour and determined there was a very high probability that all of these stories were 100% true.

"Based on our observations, it would seem Darth Vader, Boba Fett and Emperor Palpatine are all Baptists.

"I am particularly disappointed in Lord Vader. You might say I find his lack of faith disturbing."

He added: "It will come as no surprise that Jabba the Hut is a fairly typical Presbyterian, while we strongly suspect that Lando Calrissian is, at best, an Episcopalian.

"Thankfully there is hope. Luke and Princess Leia have recently been confirmed, while Han Solo has the makings of a first class Jesuit."

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Listening To Sting Makes Wine Taste Like Tramp’s Piss

LISTENING to any record by Sting while drinking wine will make even the finest vintage taste like rancid tramp's urine, research reveals.

Study author Professor Henry Brubaker said the taste varied according to the song, with Roxanne leaving behind the delicate flavour of a young runaway after two nights in a cardboard box next to the Royal Festival Hall.

However, listening to Sting's recent album of lute tunes Songs from the Labyrinth made a Petrus '61 taste like the distilled micturation of a homeless Glaswegian alcoholic who had been marinated for ten years in his own vomit.

Professor Brubaker said: "In laboratory tests we gave one subject a Chateau Margaux '78 and then put on The Dream of the Blue Turtles. He was sick on my shoes.

"We then gave another subject a nice glass of zingy Cloudy Bay sauvignon blanc, started playing De Do Do Do, De Da Da Da and by the chorus she had pulled out her own tongue and ripped her ears off.

"We were going to repeat the experiment using Chris de Burgh's Lady in Red but my ethics committee intervened. I don’t want to go to jail for manslaughter."

The professor added: "At first we thought the cause might be some previously undiscovered link between the fungiform papillae taste buds and the Eustachian tube of the ear. But then someone pointed out that Sting's music is just a lot of pish."