Early humans just not into Neanderthals

OUR human ancestors thought the world of Neanderthals but not in the way they wanted, it has been claimed.

New research has cast doubt on claims that the two species interbred. However scientists believe this wasn’t for lack of the Neanderthals trying.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute For Studies said: “Cave painting evidence shows fertility rituals thrown by humans would often be attended by uninvited, socially awkward Neanderthal males.

“They would mope around on the perimeter of ceremony, occasionally making keening noises when the human female they had been following around for years began copulating with some handsome, cocky guy who didn’t have a hairy protruding forehead.

“Meanwhile female Neanderthals fashioned rudimentary ‘Forever Friends’ type cards out of bits of bark, usually depicting two stick figures hugging. They would get their friends to go into the human encampment and give the card to their favoured man before giggling and running off.

“Perhaps if recorded music technology had been several million years more advanced, the Neanderthals could have expressed their unrequited feelings through so-called ‘mix tapes’ of grunts and hoots.”

The dominance of human males came partly through their access to the wheel, an early status symbol which would later evolve into the car.

Professor Brubaker said: “Although having a wheel clearly isn’t as good as having a car, even the suggestion that these males might one day develop their own transport had a powerful aphrodisiac effect on the young impressionable females.

“However the existence of modern-days emos suggests that some Neanderthals did manage to get pity shags.”



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Wales launches endearing bid for Commonwealth Games

PLUCKY Wales is bidding for the 2026 Commonwealth Games, which lots of people think are just as good as the Olympics.

The lovely little country, which is already well known for Charlotte Church, mining and the phrase ‘Whose coat is this jacket?’, is working really hard to put together a cracking presentation with pictures and everything.

England’s Lord Coe, who has just finished organising the Olympics, said: “My advice to Wales is do your best, but don’t be too disappointed if it doesn’t work out.

“You’ll still have done a lot of work that will look great on your CV, and learned new skills like cropping images in Photoshop.”

If Wales’s bid is successful, the 2026 games will be the country’s biggest tourist draw since the brilliant Llanberis Slate Mining Museum.

A spokesman for Wales said: “”If anyone’s got a problem with us hosting 2026, they should just come out and say so.

“And haven’t you all seen the Rocky films, or the less well known Bad News Bears, where the seemingly doomed efforts of rank outsiders triumph in the face of widespread ridicule?

“Not that this bid is like that, come to think about it. But they’re good films.

“We’ll manage it just fine, and without pissing half the money into the pockets of G4S.”

However there is already controversy surrounding Wales’s bid after it emerged 25% of its budget had been blown on a £5 printer card for Newport library.

A spokesman for the Commonwealth Games organising committee said: “The important thing is that Wales has fun putting its bid together.

“Regardless of whether it will actually get the games, there is a slight issue as projections show that rain erosion will put it under the Irish sea by 2026.”