Eat a meal, and other activities you can no longer do without looking at your phone

PHONES have changed the way people go about their lives, mainly for the worse. Here are five simple activities you can no longer do without them.

Eat a meal

Back in the good old days you’d watch TV while shovelling ready meals into your mouth. Not anymore. In the modern age, all food is consumed with one hand while the other furiously swipes through content that has milliseconds to capture your attention. Meanwhile your brain has long forgotten how to register flavours because it’s been fried by dopamine hits.

Watch TV

Speaking of watching TV, this is no longer the preferred way to switch your brain off after a long day of slacking at work. Instead, it’s a mere background distraction from the smaller screen that’s closer to your face. Compared to the Instagram reels and YouTube shorts on your phone, TV’s long-form programming feels as antiquated as a clothes mangle.

Go to the toilet

Going to the toilet is a disgusting necessity, so it makes sense that you need a distraction from the various waste products leaving your body. But are phones the answer? Think about all the horrid germs accumulating on the screen that you hold to your face on a regular basis. At least The Book of Bunny Suicides didn’t set you back a grand if you accidentally dropped it in the bowl.

Walk around

The only things you need for a walk are clothes and shoes, and even they’re optional if you’re feeling brave enough. Packing a pocket-sized supercomputer with access to all the world’s knowledge and entertainment seems excessive, especially if you only want it to track your steps. Invest in a pedometer, assuming they still exist, if you’re that bothered.


For centuries, people have managed to get to sleep by going horizontal and shutting their eyes. Almost as if your inflexible need to listen to white noise and the Harry Potter audiobooks is total bullshit. Have you ever thought that staring at a glowing rectangle at night might be the cause of your f**ked up circadian rhythm? If not, maybe you should.

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Cockapoos nine percent more middle-class than labradoodles, experts say

OWNING a cockapoo is fractionally more middle-class than owning a labradoodle, it has been confirmed.

In the last few years, insufferably smug bastards have decided that cockapoos are the latest must-have accessory for their families, despite both breeds being what people used to call mongrels.

Vet Nikki Hollis said: “In the 90s you could buy a dog like this from a bloke in a pub car park for £20, but now you have to go on a three-year-long waiting list and fork out £2,000. Just because some bright spark had the idea of calling them ‘hypoallergenic’.

“And, despite cockapoos edging it when it comes to conforming to the Guardian-reading, wood burner-owning stereotype, both breeds are annoying, overexcited little twats. Get a fish instead. Much cheaper and less hassle.”

Labradoodle owner Kelly Howard said: “I’m devastated. We got Barney during lockdown thinking it would make us the most middle-class people on our street, but I now find out we should have got a cockapoo.

“What if I put a little coat on him, would that help? I can get one from John Lewis delivered tomorrow if I order by 5pm.”