PRESIDENT Trump has fired off another spurious and lunatic lawsuit demanding one billion dollars. This is everyone he’s suing so far: 

The BBC 

Being sued for ten billion dollars for editing out the middle of a speech in an episode of Newsnight not shown in the US and, let’s be real, which only nerds watched over here. Chance of success: low. Chance of being refiled for 100 billion dollars: high.

Harvard University

One billion dollar suit filed for as yet unspecified reasons, but expected to be ‘thinking they’re cleverer than Trump’ and ‘not being named Trump-Harvard University’.

Trevor Noah

One billion dollar suit threatened for making a joke about Epstein Island where Trump never visited, committing all his sex crimes patriotically on US soil.

The Wall Street Journal

Ten billion suit for accurately reprinting Trump’s birthday tribute to Epstein which has forever rendered his presidential signature public topiary.

Pulitzer Prize

Sued for defamation, ie giving a prize to someone Trump doesn’t like. Real reason: never giving any prizes to Trump when they know Trump likes prizes.

The New York Times

$15bn in damages requested for article about Trump being a shit businessman. Submitted evidence included crayon drawing titled ‘the best at bizness’.

The Des Moines Register

Published opinion poll showing Harris ahead. Despite winning election, Trump claims this caused him to lose it.

Hillary Clinton and the Democratic National Committee

General harassing fire in case they think they’re allowed to run in future elections.

The IRS and US Treasury

Ten – you guessed it – billion requested for Trump’s tax affairs being leaked. Amazingly, Trump is also the boss of the IRS and appoints the head of the treasury! A settlement is expected.

The US Justice Department

A comparatively modest $230 million requested for daring to investigate Trump. Low because big-hearted, big-sharting Trump wants not money, but justice.

The Walt Disney Corporation

Avengers: Doomsday features Doctor Doom, Magneto, Charles Xavier, Thor, Shang-Chi, Spider-Man, and Ant Man but not Trump? The greatest hero of the multiverse, many are saying?

The Danish government

$100 billion demanded for failing to sell Greenland to the Trump Corporation, formerly known as the USA. Will accept Greenland in settlement.

The International Olympic Committee

Even though held on US soil the Olympics includes no events Trump is good at. He is therefore unreasonably denied gold medals when gold is his favourite.

The Illuminati

$1 trillion for not being made their founder member.