End of internet anonymity to make web even more depressing

INTERNET users will be forced to reveal details of their pathetic lives in a new drive to stop them being ghastly.

Spiralling levels of dickishnes, including vindictive cyber-bullying and posting passive-aggressive quips about Charlie Brooker on the Guardian’s message boards have prompted what is effectively a legal end to online anonymity.

Under new laws, web users and their homes are to be photographed by Google on a weekly basis.

The results will be published online alongside a breakdown of their financial situation and any other pertinent observations from the home visit by Google Room View, such as whether their fridge contains any Rustlers products and the number of soiled tissues littering the bedroom floor.

Technology blogger, Tom Logan, said: “The internet is mostly a rather soul-sapping place but at least you could delude yourself that your fellow monitor addicts have pleasant lives, and go to parties with girls.

“Now we will all see that this is not the case.

“While it’s fairly obvious that the person who describes Emma Watson as being ‘one of the bitches I’m totally gonna bang when I’m famous’ has minimal working knowledge of the human vagina, I still think the miserableness of their crypt-like bedsit will shock.”

Sales manager Nikki Hollis said: “As a fan of internet dating, I like men to think that I spend my days wafting between art house cinemas and quirky markets, riding an antique bike with a wicker basket and jangly bell while looking divine in a vintage dress.

“Truthfully I inhabit a room in Neasden where I mostly watch property programmes in tracksuit bottoms while eating poor quality lasagne with a plastic spoon.

“Will anyone love me for who I really am? Probably not.”


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Every copy of the News of the World 'contained tiny microphone'

EVERY copy of the News of the World printed since 1999 contained a tiny, hidden microphone, it has emerged.

Police have discovered that each copy of the paper was in fact a covert bugging device, allowing News International to gather high-grade filth on its millions of readers.

A Scotland Yard source said: “It was basically a clever little thing embedded into the page somewhere so you would never know it was there.

“Sometimes it would be hidden under the nipple of a Hollyoaks sex-kitten and sometimes it might be slipped into a photo of Sara Payne. No, other than a truly psychotic level of twisted bastardry, we’ve no idea either.

“And sometimes one of those double page spreads about the ‘Fake Sheik’ bugging someone would in fact, itself, be bugged.”

The source said it was private investigator Glenn Mulcaire’s job to monitor every copy then transcribe the conversations, adding: “He’s absolutely fucking knackered.”

Police made the discovery earlier this week after Mulcaire took them to a hangar at a disused airfield near Grantham.

The source said: “He pushed open these massive doors to reveal a huge space filled with millions and millions of boxes. End of Raiders of the Lost Ark – exactly.

“I think we all instinctively knew what this was, but we just stood there staring at him for a full minute before someone eventually mumbled ‘how… the fuck?’.

“He gave a cheeky little smile and said ‘tiny microphone in every copy of the paper’.

“He then put his hand on the shoulder of one of my colleagues, whispered ‘it’s time to tell your wife you’re gay’ and then walked back to his car.”