European probe heading for Jupiter or thereabouts

A BET-HEDGING European space probe will aim for Jupiter, but if it ends up on a moon or Saturn that would also be considered fine.

The European Space Agency selected the largest planet they could think of and even included several of its moons and neighbouring planets in the broad mission statement designed to make the inevitable disastrous outcome appear intentional.

Probe engineer Roy Hobbs said: “They’ve asked me to incorporate numerous tracking devices but given that it’ll probably blow up on the launch pad or ricochet off a passing planet, I’m just going to stuff the cavity full of Monster Munch.

“I offered to photocopy some pictures of Jupiter taken by a successful American probe for a fee of half a billion pounds, but they were having none of it.”

The mission is a bid to seek out new places the European Union can piss away money and if successful, a regular payload of currency will be fired out into the cosmos.

Eighteen million Euros have already been spent on focus groups and market research in deciding the ­Jupiter-ish probe’s name. ‘Juice’ was the eventual winner on grounds of utter banality, although there are suggestions that voting was manipulated after inevitable rude suggestion ‘Wanky Cock’ proved popular.

The probe will also be looking for signs of life.

Hobbs said: “I’m confident it will find some sentient organism. Probably a cod, after ‘Juice’ crashes into the Atlantic.”

He added: “I asked one of the board members why they felt that Jupiter was a likely candidate for extraterrestrial life and he said that it was confirmed in the song Fly Me To The Moon. Do you see what I have to deal with?”

 

 

Your problems solved, with Holly Harper

Dear Holly,
My wife looks after me to a good standard, and always cooks my tea and irons my shirts. But the miserable old bitch won’t give me a blow job because she thinks it’s dirty. Do I have grounds for litigation?
Graham,
Henley-on-thames

Dear Graham,
Stop thinking like a grown-up with sexual desires and start behaving like a child who wants some treats. All you have to do to get what you want is wait until your wife is wandering serenely around Sainsbury’s. Hopefully, she’ll have bumped into some old bag she’s not seen for a while, and be having a chin wag in the tinned food aisle. This is your moment. Make your request for whatever it is you want.  If you’re lucky, she’ll be so busy talking drivel to Mrs Sneddon from the PTA that she’ll agree to your demands on the spot and you can get back to slipping illicit sugar-coated items into the trolley. But be prepared for things to go the other way. If she’s on the ball, she’ll probably say no. In this case, you need to have a massive tantrum, preferably involving you rolling on the floor like a maniac in your duffel coat. No doubt she’ll be so embarrassed she’ll just say yes and get on with it.
Hope that helps!
Holly