Every Whatsapp group contains someone desperate to escape it

EVERY Whatsapp group chat contains at least one person who dreams of escaping it, researchers have found. 

No matter what the group’s subject or participants, from ‘Ladz Bantz’ to ‘FAMILY’, analysts found there is always at least one member who winces whenever they hear the chime of a new message arriving.

Study participant Nathan Muir said: “My cousin added me to a group where she shares multiple pictures of her son every day. Like 12 a day.

“I’ve muted it but it’s always there, eating up storage and keeping me weirdly aware of the toilet training of a child I’ve met twice.”

Nikki Hollis agreed: “I’m in a group called ‘The Girls’ with friends from school. It started out fun but now it’s just online therapy for Sophie, who still does mad shit when she’s drunk.

“I wish I could leave it, but I don’t want to upset her. She had a really heavy weekend. Slept with her second cousin.”

A WhatsApp spokesman said: “Our business model is connecting you with people who you’ll come to hate. We’re currently valued at around $19 billion.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Athletics ‘too hard’ without drugs

ATHLETES have rejected a crackdown on drug use, admitting it is only the drugs that make running a really long way halfway tolerable.

Following the World Anti-Doping Agency’s threat to crack down on drug cheats, top athletes have agreed without cocktails of illegal substances they would leave the sport.

A anonymous athlete said: “Why can’t the World Anti-Doping Agency just be cool for once?

“I’d like to see them run 10,000 meters in 26 minutes without being doped up to the eyeballs. Most normal, undrugged people can’t run for a bus without complaining about it for the rest of the day.

“We’re taking these drugs not for us but for our fans, our countries, the people that believe in us. We sacrifice our good, clean systems so you can feel a glow of pride.

“My man here spends ten hours a day, 12 months a year trying to jump eight something meters. You’re telling him he’s gotta live that life straight?”