Everyone fine with ‘designer babies’ if it means they don’t do shits

THE public has expressed total approval for genetically altered babies that do not need to shit.

Scientists admitted they already had made a prototype shitless baby called Robbie who expels waste matter in the form of odourless pods, which instead of coming out of his arse are removed via a hatch in his back.

Geneticist Mary Fish said: “Robbie is a normal, healthy child except nothing comes out of his backside. A couple of times a day you have to check his back for waste-pods which smell slightly of lavender and have a marble-like sheen which means they make appealing ornaments.

“Normally we get loads of hassle for trying to use science to stop people getting life-threatening diseases, but as soon as we made a baby that doesn’t do rank shits everyone started treating us like heroes.”

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I normally have a superstitious fear of scientists ‘playing God’ but I suppose it’s ok if it means not having my house smell like a farmyard.”

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Redknapp’s phone autocorrected ‘impending relegation’ to ‘knee operation’

A SPELL-CHECK error has seen Harry Redknapp mistakenly cite a knee operation as his reason for leaving relegation dead-certs QPR. 

Redknapp said: “Honestly, I’ll never get the hang of these iPhones. I meant to write: ‘I’m leaving QPR because of their impending relegation’ but the bloody spelling thingy altered it. 

“It was such an obvious mistake, I’m surprised the press actually ran with it. I mean, clearly, as a rational human being, the reason I want to leave QPR is that they’re quite shit.

“I’m a professional manager with a reputation to consider, so I don’t want to piss my time away flogging the skeleton of a dead horse. 

“And as for the whole ‘knee operation’ thing, I mean, come on. Managers don’t need knees.”

Redknapp revealed he would now be taking a break from football, in order to establish a new business venture buying and selling the wheeled villains from the 1985 film Return to Oz.

He added: “That doesn’t make me a Wheeler dealer, though. I am not a fucking Wheeler dealer. I’m simply a man who owns and operates a Wheeler dealership.”