Monday, 8th March 2021

Five fantastic new emojis just for Guardian readers

EXISTING emojis are fine for plebs, but don’t convey the complex feelings of Guardian readers. As Apple launches more than 200 new ones, here are some just for them.

Sad face because your child will only eat white bread

You longed for a child who would happily eat olives, or herring pickled by artisan Norwegians, offering excellent humblebragging opportunities. Sadly, your little one is obsessed with bland white bread and shows little interest in the recipes of Yotam Ottolenghi.

Clenched jaw in response to unwoke micro-aggression

Keeping on top of your virtue signalling against unwoke lapses on social media is almost a full-time job – there’s a lot of it about. Ease the strain on your fingertips with this all-purpose, tailor-made emoticon.

Raised eyebrow of condescension at a popular film

What’s wrong with films these days? All these entertaining superhero movies and silly sci-fi things? Why can’t there be more about the climate crisis or the plight of the Uighurs? Establish your right-on credentials and intellectual superiority with one tap on your screen.

Howl of pained anguish at the patriarchy and capitalism still running the world

This takes ages to type, so this distraught emoji is a real time-saver. Highlights the fact that you aren’t stupid enough to keep voting for the same appalling governments – like most people – while freeing up time for you to read another pointless article about lockdown yoga in the Guardian lifestyle section.

Smug face letting everyone know you’ve done something ethical

This range of emojis consists of yellow smiley faces doing ethical things like buying Fairtrade coffee or putting the recycling out. Use them frequently.