Five things never to put on social media if you want to keep your job

KEEN to remain in gainful employment? Then don’t livestream yourself marching with a banned far-right group, or these things: 

Ironic bigotry

Social media is a swamp of hate speech, but also the ideal place to be condemned as racist by 1.2 million people looking for evidence of who you work for. So using Twitter as the platform for ‘bantz’ about ‘limp-wristed nancy boys’ you’ll find yourself unironically fired.

Pictures of drug-fuelled parties

Is snorting lines of coke off of the bodies of near-naked acquaintances your idea of a Wednesday night? Fine, but maybe don’t put the pictures on Facebook. The police can’t prove it wasn’t an innocent sherbet Dib-Dab, but your boss doesn’t give a f**k.

Storming the capital to overthrow the US government

Are you a QAnon wingnut who believed you were ‘the storm’ and didn’t consider anything as mundane as your job as a police officer when live-streaming yourself hitting police officers? Unfortunately, it turns out Q was bollocks, Donald Trump was not a world-saving chess genius and now you’re unemployed and going down.

Musing on whether the Nazis were right

The Nazis may have been excellent at motorcycle repair, marquetry or f**king Boggle, it’s still never worth pointing it out because it’s a slippery slope to adding how great they were at land wars in Europe. Insisting on your right to freedom of expression? You’ll have plenty of time to campaign for it when you’re sacked.

Ranting about how much you f**king hate your job

It’s natural to hate your job, your boss and your boss’s boss. However, spewing your bile all over the work WhatsApp is a sure route to dismissal. Even if Amanda knows she’s a useless over-promoted idiot with bad taste in animal-print skirts and blokes, it hurts to hear it.

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The unrepentant Corbynite's guide to why this is all Keir Starmer's fault

HATE Labour far more than the government since that slick lawyer took over? Die-hard Corbynite Wayne Hayes explains how the whole pandemic is on ‘Sir’ Keir.

He writes editorials for the Mail

Gutless Starmer apologists say this is the only way he can take the fight to the Conservatives, but writing for right-wing hate rags has demolished his moral authority and means he’s ignored on Covid. You’d never catch Corbyn working for an organisation that could have done more to quash claims of anti-Semitism.

He challenges the PM

Week in, week out, Keir Starmer plays into Boris Johnson’s hands by challenging his lies and exposing his hypocrisy during PMQs. If he asked questions sent in by bus drivers and tutted at the answers then we’d have this pandemic beaten by now. It’s like he’s more interested in winning elections than being right.

Just look at his clothes

Those suits and ties look like they cost Starmer a pretty penny, money that could’ve been spent on NHS nurse wages instead. Clearly this means he’s a Tory turncoat, otherwise he’d be winning over the public by sporting a moth-eaten jumper bought from the back of the Morning Star. 

He’s the wrong kind of boring

What Britain needs to get through this crisis is dull but dependable in a Last of the Summer Wine kind of way. Keir exudes the mundanity of a once-inspirational teacher coasting through his last week. If he could just once be photographed wearing a flat cap then Boris would resign and he’d be leading a government of national unity.

Why isn’t he holding a marrow?

We could have nipped Covid-19 in the bud if Starmer had the decency to awkwardly hold a comically large marrow with a rosette on it back in 2020. Doesn’t he know public trust relies on winning over the allotment-owning demographic? Corbyn did and he won two elections which were narrowly overturned on technicalities. I miss him so much.